A Malec Story

Chapter 65: Abashed the Devil Stood

Abashed the Devil Stood and Felt How Awful Goodness Is

Magnus

Magnus had visited Alec in his dreams, telling him he loved him, asking him to fight. He could sense Alec's fear and desperation and he hoped the dream would give Alec the courage he needed to come to him. He also hoped he'd still be alive when that moment came, he was feeling worse by the hour. How far would his father go, he wondered, to make him beg for his help. Magnus was determined to not give in to him, some things were worse than dying.

When he woke up Luke brought Alec up, and Magnus had snapped at him, not wanting to talk about or think about Alec. Of course all he did was think about Alec. Especially now that he knew Alec was in Edom, or at least, he thought he was here.

Magnus was scared he was going to die, the odds weren't in his favor. But on top of that was a constant fear for Alec and what was going to happen to him. I need you to live. He thought back at that last thing he'd said to him, the last time he saw him. Magnus thought he could handle the idea of dying himself, even though he didn't want to die. But he couldn't bear it if Alec died.

"Shadowhunters," he said out loud, more to himself than to Luke, while fiddling with his chains. "They get in your blood, under your skin. I've been with vampires, werewolves, faeries, warlocks like me—and humans, so many fragile humans. But I always told myself I wouldn't give my heart to a Shadowhunter. I've so nearly loved them, been charmed by them—generations of them, sometimes: Edmund and Will and James and Lucie . . . the ones I saved and the ones I couldn't." His voice choked off, he felt so scared and so sad and thinking back at all the memories made him ache for Alec even more.

"And Clary, too, I loved, for I watched her grow up," he continued softly, "But I've never been in love with a Shadowhunter, not until Alec. For they have the blood of angels in them, and the love of angels is a high and holy thing."

"Is that so bad?" Luke asked.

Magnus shrugged. "Sometimes it comes down to a choice," he said. "Between saving one person and saving the whole world. I've seen it happen, and I'm selfish enough to want the person who loves me to choose me. But Nephilim will always choose the world. I look at Alec and I feel like Lucifer in Paradise Lost. 'Abashed the Devil stood, And felt how awful goodness is.' He meant it in the classic sense. 'Awful' as in inspiring awe. And awe is well and good, but it's poison to love. Love has to be between equals."

"He's just a boy," said Luke. Magnus looked up at him and saw him shake his head slightly. "Alec—he's not perfect. And you're not fallen."

"We're all fallen," said Magnus. He buried his head in his arms then, and fell silent. His yearning for Alec was getting stronger and stronger and he felt he would start to cry if Alec wouldn't come soon and touch him. He'd die if Alec never touched him again.

He's just a boy, Luke had said. But Luke had no clue, Luke didn't know Alec like he did. Otherwise he'd knew that Alec was so much more than just a boy. Maybe not perfect, but close to perfect. Beautiful and steady and strong. With the truest heart and the strongest faith in people.

Why? Magnus thought, why did I break up with him? It was the stupidest thing he'd ever done, and Magnus had done a lot of stupid things over the centuries. Now he was going to die and the whole immortality problem was a non issue because of that. And he wouldn't have a chance to go back to Alec. No chance to ask him to love him. To choose him. He thought about what Catarina had said. If that's how you feel about him, you should be with him.

It wasn't that easy. Alec had expectations now. He was right when he'd said Magnus had been unfair, to tell him he couldn't ask him any questions. Alec had asked him to change, to open up to him. And now that Magnus realized he should've never let him go, it was too late. He nudged at the notebook in his pocket, he had brought it with him to Idris. In it he'd written a part of his life and he intended to write more. He started it without knowing why, but now it dawned on him what the purpose was of writing it all down. It was so he could give it to Alec to show him that he was willing to share his life with him. But that too, was too late. Because even if he was willing to open up to Alec, he didn't see the opportunity, the possibility of both of them coming out of here alive.

And even if they did make it out alive, who was to say Alec would take him back?

I've been sorry and I've understood and I've apologized and apologized, and you haven't ever been there. I did all that without you. So it makes me wonder what else I could do, without you.

Alec's words came screaming back to him now. What else could he do without him? Live?