Come Back Home

Chapter Five

           

-Liv's POV-

            A text pinged through on my phone – "We're boarding the plane now. I'll text you once we're there x", and then lit up once again with another one – "I love you so so much. I hope you're having a good time at uni. We're about to go into the great unknown. 😂❤️ I'll FaceTime you at the airport when we get there! Ilyyy"

            One was from Andy, and the other was from Mikey. Ever since the letter, my heart had been torn. Before it, I hadn't really pictured a future outside of Mikey – He held so much of my heart that I couldn't imagine giving it to anyone else. I hadn't thought about loving, or being loved be, somebody as much as I adored him. Looking back on it now, it seemed glaringly obvious that Andy liked me more than he openly let on.

            Random memories suddenly held much more meaning to me – I remembered how, on the day before we'd left for New York, Andy's hand dangled closer than usual to mine, and every so often, our fingers would brush. He'd yank his hand back quickly and would wait a few minutes before letting it hang again, except for the last time, in which he kept it there, maintaining the connection. I recalled looking over at him in confusion, and he'd tucked it into his pocket and didn't try again after that.

            I wish that I had held his hand.

            Once, when we were younger, before he'd joined any bands and could still spend nearly every day with me, we were laying side by side on the couch together. We were taking a short break from our long-winded game of Monopoly – Neither of us had long enough attention spans to complete it all in one sitting – And we were both messing about on our phones. I'd figured that he was playing a game, so I'd leaned over slightly to take a peek at his screen.

            He wasn't engaged in a round of Temple Run – He was texting someone. I'd caught my name, so I held my breath and quickly skimmed through it – the long message was threaded with compliments about me. It'd made me feel warm inside, but I hadn't thought too much into it. I'd all but forgotten about it until his words in the letter made me remember.

            Small memories sprung back up to the surface when I least expected it now, like how he'd always go after me first during games of tag – I'd always just figured that it was a best friend thing – Or how he'd always give me the larger portions of our favorite snacks. I realized that some of my favorite things about Andy weren't parts of himself that he presented to just anyone – They were because he liked me.

            Sometimes, lying in bed at night, thinking of him made it hard to breathe – My heart felt like somebody was squeezing it and then wringing it out. I would think about the way he looked at me, with such hope and admiration pooled in his eyes, and it made me want to drop everything just to make him happy. I knew, in my heart of hearts, that I loved him – But I was not in love with him. I couldn't imagine tracing my fingers down his chest or whispering "I love yous" before kissing him on the neck like I did with Mikey.

            I couldn't picture just being friends with Mikey, either – What would life be like without his daily good morning texts? If I wasn't able to greet him with a kiss every time we reunited? I felt like I'd been unjustly plopped right in the middle of a complicated love triangle that I'd never asked for. I'd considered cutting Andy out of my life entirely, simply to make things easier, but I knew, deep down, that that would never be a real option.

            I remembered the time that he'd lost his keys and locked us out of his house. He'd searched his pockets frantically, and I couldn't help but laugh as I said, "You don't have your keys."

            "I don't have my keys," He'd groaned. And, with the perfect timing that Mother Nature often had, the clouds had opened up and it began to downpour. He'd shrugged his jacket off and held it over the two of us, mumbling something about the back door. After finding out that that was locked, too, I'd mentioned the shed, which was always open, as his mum didn't see who would try and steal their gardening tools. I knew the ins and outs of his house just as well as my own, if not better. We'd stayed in there for hours, playing card games until his mum found us there, chuckled, and led us inside.

            I'd asked my mum and sister, Alex, for advice, but Alex had just told me that she'd always had a hunch that Andy had a crush on me, and my mum told me to follow my heart. So, in the end, I had decided to avoid any drastic changes – Instead, I simply promised to call Andy at least once a week so we could catch up, and put work in on both sides to keep the friendship alive, no matter how awkward that was in the beginning.

            I could tell that it killed him, that he couldn't have me the way that he wanted to, and, in a way, it killed me too. In a perfect world, it would be the two of us – But I'd long since learned that the world wasn't flawless. It gave you its conditions, and all that you could do was work with what you got – Whether you liked it or not.