My True Eros ~ Victuuri Lemon

The Monster Outside the Closet

November 4th, 1999

The mornings are always nice...
People still are asleep....
So if you wake early...
You can enjoy the silence...
You don't have to feel afraid...
If I hurry I can get to school before they wake up....
I don't need breakfast and I don't need bus money.
As long as I run in the snow...
I'll be fine....
Anything to be free from this horrid place...

The cold snow drifted gently to the ground. The wind supports it so it can travel farther. My shoes have holes in them so my feet burn from the icy snow. I still have no socks for the dreadful winter.
How long could I keep this up.
Just how much longer.

I began to run quickly down the shoveled path.

Everyone at school had tons of friends.
Since I was so poor-looking, I was constantly bullied. These 5 boys, who were much older than me, they would push me against a wall and tear up my clothes and throw that, cold, horrid snow at me...
I would come home bruised with my clothes shredded. The cold snow melted and would make my clothes wet and I'd practically freeze to death.

I hate winter more than anything... I wish it never existed.

I got to school and hurried to class. I ran into the warm classroom, it was still an hour before the bell but i was happier like this.

After class, I would head home, back to that hell...

I walk in to hear them screaming again...
"YOU NEED TO LEARN WHEN TO SHUT YOU'RE MOUTH!!"
"I WISH I NEVER FUCKING MARRIED YOU!!"
"I'M TAKING VICTOR AND LEAVING THEN!!"
"DONT YOU DARE TAKE MY SON FROM ME YOU ASSHOLE"

I came home to this everyday... I ran into my room and into my closet... I covered my ears with my pillow as I listen to the screaming, that soon turned into beating and crying. Then that would turn into a horrible silence...

Soon momma would come in and hug me tight and just say,

"I love you.... I love you.... I love you.... I love you.... You can't leave.... You're father is a horrible person... He won't take you... I promise... I promise..."

And then the day would repeat...

Again...

Again...

And Again...

December 25th, 1999

10 is a big number
It's suppose to be important right?
The first day you become a big boy
Its suppose to be happy
My birthday is always on Christmas...
Dad would go out and buy me tons of presents....
While momma would just sit in her room..
If you tried to go in there she would begin to beat you and cry and just say

"Your birth was a mistake! I wish you were dead! Dead!!"
Then she would beat you until you bled, cried and went unconscious or got away.

That happened on my 5th and 8th birthday.
I hoped this year would be better but...

My life is just a mistake right?

I have no right to be happy...

I was stupid to think everything would be happy.

It never has....

It never will...

It was Christmas morning... I was turning ten today... But everything felt off... Papa was gone.... He usually would wake me up and hug me.... But he was just gone.... I walked out to see the house was missing items all over.... From shirts to jewelry to even the tv....

Momma was crying in the middle of the floor.... I walked up slowly and asked softly. "Momma.... Wheres papa..." She looked at me with that glare...
The glare that would be the last thing youd see....

She grabbed me and grabbed a shoe and shoved me into the ground and began to hit me... Again....

"YOU WERE A FKING MISTAKE!!!"

Again....

"THIS IS YOURE FAULT!!!"

Again....

"HE HATES YOU, VICTOR!!! HE HATES YOU"

Again....

"IT'S YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!!"

And again....

"YOU SHOULD BE DEAD"

Then I stopped going to school, because momma didn't want ppl to see me... Then she would beat me more... My life was miserable.... I hated it more than anything...
I want papa back...
I wish momma could love him again...
I wish momma never hurt papa...
I wish I could see him again...
I wish his face was never bruised...
I wish momma wouldnt make him bleed..
I wish papa wouldnt have done that....
Why did papa leave....
Why was papas body there...
Why was he cold...
Why did he bleed....
Why didnt he take me with him...
Why did momma hurt him...
Why isnt papa alive?

-To be continued (?)