across the universe. | chensung

without you | chapter 5

It was 5 am in the morning, the sky was dark and apartment was silent. The world was still slumbering and frost patterned the windows from the cold.
Chenle was awake.

For the past month, he had been living every day as if it were his last. Over the few weeks, he had a lot of 'lasts'; a morning run, his favourite meal, a movie night... There were too many things, everyday normal things that used to be part of his life. It didn't matter how many of these he did, or how many times, because it didn't change the fact that he was losing a race against time. Everything happening to him, all the final memories he tried to create were a colourful, joy-filled burst of 'here and now', faded away as he grappled at them to keep. It seemed like he would eventually forget everything at the end of this road. Everything except one split-second moment, that among all the other countless minutes that he had spent in his life, stood out in his mind like bold and coloured print against plain text.

His first and last kiss with Jisung.

There is a rule in society that if you met a stranger, and only met them for a minute, you wouldn't bother getting close to them. There would be no purpose, no use of befriending them or anything if you were never going to meet them ever again.
Well, it wasn't a rule, it was more of a choice.
Actually, everything in your life was your own choice. So Chenle decided his.
If he said he didn't have any feelings for Jisung, he would be lying. But he didn't have a whole life to spend with him, so while they were still friends, good friends, he had to leave. He hated himself for being so selfish. For being so cruel. But apologies were like a single bandage to a deep wound.
And he was pouring salt on it.

Jisung lingered in his head and he couldn't get rid of the thought. He imagined the image of Jisung clinging to his fading memory, no matter how hard he tried to erase him. In a sense, his imagination was reality. There was so much he wanted to say to him; why he left, what's going on with him, the reason why he's leaving him again, and his feelings towards him. But not a word has been said. He was afraid of Jisung's expression if he told him these things, he didn't want Jisung's sympathy, the emotion he gets from other people all the time when he tells them the truth. Sympathy was the most useless thing he received all the time, and the last thing he wants is sympathy shown on Jisung's face.

Apparently, Chenle still doesn't know why Jisung is so insecure about relationships.

The thing that Jisung hated the most, was the departure of people he loved.
Especially Chenle.

Chenle's disappearance three years ago left a deep wound in Jisung's heart and an un-reversible change in his character. Just when Jisung has almost recovered from the damage, Chenle came back. He unconsciously tore the scab open and let Jisung's feelings flow fiercely and uncontrollably out of his heart.

Chenle silently entered the other bedroom and cautiously, hesitantly walked to the bed. He took tiny light steps towards the sleeping boy, not wanting to wake him up. His vision blurred around the edges and his chest gave a sharp twinge. This could be the last time, the very last time, he would ever see Jisung.

"Please forget about me."
He whispered, sadness overflowing in his eyes.

The door clicked shut.

So did Chenle's heart. He turned away, locked his feelings deep inside, and threw away the key.

I'm supposed to be forgetting him.

But why do my tears keep falling?