My poems

Ruined

I remember the day, well night i confessed to her,
We were in my bed,It was a sleepover,
And i had reluctantly told her i liked her as we layed side by side reading,
She said she did to, and she kissed me, it was a chaste kiss,
One you would give to your mother, but it still meant the world to me,
And for the next two weeks i was happy, no i was ecstatic,
This beautiful talented girl who i had known for two years liked me back,

But, she didn't like it when i touched her,
And as weeks turned to months i saw less of her,
She was like sand slipping through my fingers,
I was so dumb, i wont say naive, I've said that to many times,
I was so dumb to think she wasn't avoiding me, because she was,
She didn't love me, she loved the idea of me,
For her i was like an exotic new candy,
i was a label for her to place in the category that read 'experiences',
I was her 'teenage lesbian phase'

And i don't think she sees how damaging that was, for me,
You see, to me, she was my first girlfriend, the first person i loved enough to ask for a date,
She was my first kiss, she was my first love, she was the first person to make me feel important, and to her,
I was her Experiment, i was like a chlorine pool test stick, she dunked me in the water and watch me turned different hues, and then threw me out, so she could try again with some other poor soul,

She wouldn't tell me why, she wouldn't look me in the eye, our friends turned to her friends and i was left alone, i got bullied, i felt neglected, and my already bad anxiety became severe, i stopped leaving the house, i wrote down my thoughts like poems and pretended that someone would actually give a damn about them, i still struggle, its been a year and i keep feeling like my 'friends' are only around me cause they don't know how to tell me they don't want me around,

I have a panic attack just thinking about being in school, so when i tell my friends she ruined me, I'm not just saying I'm sad, I'm not overdramatising for attention, i just thought it was time they knew that when they neglected me during that time, when they avoided me and when they ignored me,
They ruined me to.