Hail's Storm

Chapter 4: I'm Not In The First Stage Of Grief

Grief was one of the emotions that I had a problematic time dealing with. There was no manual or handbook on how one can process loss. How long am I supposed to mourn? How long can I stay in bed feeling like shit? When can I move on without feeling guilty about moving on from their demise? They say that there are five stages of grief and I firmly believed that one could not go through each stage chronologically. I went through at least every stage that day as I waited to meet Parker in the library. I kept circling back to one particular stage though; anger.

I began heading to the library to meet Parker when I bumped into Tom Cogger –Hails boyfriend – in the hallway. My rage reached its peak when I laid my eyes on him. Even in the wake of this tragedy, he still managed to wear that silly arrogant look on his face.

"Tom." I said bluntly.

Bill Parker was nowhere as entitled as the idiot who had stood before me. Tom Coggers father was the towns Mayor. Basically, they ran the town. The power and money had gotten to his head, which in turn gained him a posse of similarly misogynistic and materialistic boys. I did not know what Hail saw in him but I never hid my distaste for him.

"I heard you have been bothering the cops about Hails death. Why won't you let her rest in peace? Her passing was a misfortune and we just want to grieve in peace without picking at the already healing scabs. Get out of the first stage of grief Mariya, it's not cute anymore."

I was baffled. He had not even bothered to show up for her funeral so I wondered what exactly did he know about grief?

"Listen Tom," I took a step closer towards him and his breathing hitched.

Not so tough anymore.

"I have no idea what Hail saw in you. You hide behind daddy's money and expect everyone to take your shit? You left with her that night and to add insult to injury Tom, you did not even show up to her funeral. I have half a mind to tell the cops to look into you too. Did she really mean nothing to you?" I concluded.

My breathing had gotten heavier.

I did not stick around for a reply but as I walked away, I saw his face drop and a flash of sadness in his eyes which he covered up before walking away with his friends.

I opened the door to the library and saw Mr. Martins, an intern from college, seated behind the large desk at the entrance. He never really cared about the noise made in the library mostly because he had these large headphones blasting music into his ears. Noise in the library was the least of his problems. I was worried about his poor ears more than I was about his job.

I scanned the library for Parker and I finally laid my eyes on him seated alone by a table facing away from me. He looked like he was too concentrated on a book, I sat down across from him but he did not take his eyes off the book he was reading. I noticed he was reading poetry. To say I was shocked would have been the understatement of the century.

Who knew Parker read poetry?

Clearing my throat, I attempted to get his attention. It worked. He looked up at me. The corner of his mouth pulled up on one side and he tried to smile at me. Well, at least that was what I thought he was doing. We stayed like that for a while before he finally spoke up asking for the journal.

"How did you know about this journal?" I asked.

"Did you read everything on it?"

"Stop answering a question with a question and no I did not read everything. I read a small part of it, well the first few pages. I really didn't know my own best friend. I hope you dont think I will hand this journal to you."

"I didn't ask for the journal to stay with it. I wanted to show you something. What I'm showing you is important Mariya," Parker said before flipping through the pages of the journal quickly.

His face lit up when he found the page. It seemed that he knew this book by heart. Iwas perplexed by this. How did he even know I took it from her room? Did he follow me to her house and saw me leave with it?

He slid the journal across the table to me and I looked at his now expressionless face. Reading the page closely, I took in each and every word written down in the blue ink. I could not believe my eyes. Tears blurred my eyes as I reread the page again. It

"I had no idea this happened. Why didn't she tell me?" I asked Parker as my voice broke.

"It's kind of hard to share something like that with anyone. I told you that some secrets deserve to stay hidden but when I followed you to Hail's house that day, I saw you leave with it and I knew that stuff on that journal would have triggered and confused you. Hail and I were closer than you think and I would have never laid a single finger on her or caused her harm."

"Why do you know all of this? How did you know Hail this much?"

"With time you'll find out a lot about Hail. Not about her demise but about Hail. Just be patient."

I could not utter a single word. My mind was spinning and the walls felt like they were caving in. It dawned on me that I really never knew Hail. It was like she was living a different life that I was not a part of. The anger that had sat in the pit of my stomach the whole day was replaced with hot sad tears that rolled down my face. I was disappointed in her for not trusting me enough but I was more disappointed in myself for not being there for her. Surely there must have been a moment she let what she was experiencing show slightly but I probably never paid attention. She had grown so used to taking care of everyone that she did not think she deserved to be taken care of.

I rested my back against the uncomfortable library chair as Parker watched me with so much concern in his eyes. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I waited for the bell to ring.

I am tired.