The Weird Insights of a Scobberlotcher

Five Sounds Greeny Gray

Now there was a third thing that occurred to me when I saw it blinking on my ass and wondering if I really had gone mad. And it was the first one that was coolly rational; look for confirmation. About the light. But this conflicted directly with my first reaction - embarrassment. Confirmation? From whom and how? It took quite awhile. A wall of modesty had to be ascended. And the possibilities were limited. Not to mention the approach being a little delicate. I thought of asking my wife the ghost. "Say, dear, would you mind looking at my ass? I think there's a flashing light there." Plus, she was still a ghost. She was out. So whom then? Of course! The one man who was eminently qualified for the job. My doctor! My ass was on his regular itinerary anyway.

I called the office. Luckily they had a cancellation that afternoon. I could see him right away. Medical manna from heaven. Then they asked me why. Damn, why? My lightning mental reflexes were already severely dimmed. Light? On my ass? Cosying up to the sphincter muscle? Don't think so. But what? After all, I needed to direct the exam to a very specific location. But how? Ah yes, the old prostate. It's been bothering me. Needs to be checked. And that's just what I ordered the doctor. Two hours later I was fully exposed on the table, on my side, pants down, knees up, a finger plunging up my ass to the third knuckle and wriggling about a bit.

I watched the procedure as closely as I could from that awkward position. I was nervous, unsure what to expect. A flashing light reflecting off the lenses of his glasses? A look of surprise, puzzlement, turning to horror? But there was nothing. His face wore a professional blank. He could have been cleaning my teeth.

"So, see anything?" I asked as casually as possible.

"See?" He was puzzled, then figured it was just an expression. "Oh, no, I don't see anything. Prostate seems good. Firm. Not enlarged at all."

"Great. So everything looks good down there then?"

"Ya, just keep an eye on it."

Oh I will doc. I will. And that's not just an expression. I will. As soon as I get home.

It's odd how that happens. Many years earlier I went through a period where I felt sick to my stomach a lot of the time. I didn't throw up but I felt like it. It was terribly unsettling. I lost weight and had to stop drinking beer for a whole summer. I was convinced I had cancer. They did a whole battery of tests. More like assault and battery, really. Barium. Ultrasounds. Endoscopy. Et ceterectum. Then one day I got a phone call from someone with the results. I was fine. Absolutely nothing wrong. Bye! Eventually I was relieved but when they first told me I was actually disappointed. Weird. I guess it was because they had summarily dismissed what I thought was a pretty compelling case. Strange, but that's how I felt in the car on the way home this time, too.

I needn't have been. Scared maybe but not disappointed. When I got back and did my own checkup with a mirror it was till there flashing away. A green on the other side and you could have hung my ass on a Christmas tree. This was a real low point. My mind had collapsed, I was turning into a hermit, there was a light flashing next to my asshole that only I could see and I was running out of alternate endings.