The Weird Insights of a Scobberlotcher

Ten Sounds Orange

I always loved The Fool. The tunic festooned with leaves and bright circles with red spokes. A staff over his shoulder. A rose in his left hand. His eager little dog standing on his hind legs by his side. The overtly histrionic pose, perched at cliff's edge a step from the plunge into worldly experience. Cloyingly corny but somehow it always struck a chord with me. There was a certain admirable insouciance.

"Woah, that's bad!" She startled backwards, throwing her arms apart.

"What? Why? It's about beginnings, choices. Why would it have to be bad?"

"Because it's upside down, Mr. Smartypants."

"No it isn't!"

"To me. So the meaning is reversed. Who's doing the reading here anyway?"

She waved a smoking hand back towards the business licence. Pretty sure this was wrong but I decided to concede the point. The circumstances were a bit hazy anyway. I nodded and she went on.

"Now, I want you to look at it very carefully and tell me what you see."

I leaned forward for a closer inspection. My expectations were low. Too low. Way too low. To my surprise the Fool reaches out, grabs my hand then leaps. For a character I always considered a bit fay he has a big hand and a very firm grip. I can't resist and down we go feet first. He keeps looking at me as we plunge into the abyss. He has the most disturbingly innocent smile. All I can think is "you do know we're falling, right?" But he's obviously enjoying the plunge. His dog keeps yapping and snapping at my leg as we fall. I try to kick him but I have no traction and just waggle around like a bobble-head. Then the Fool lets go of my hand and, still smiling blithely, offers me the rose. It's remarkably intact. The petals are perfectly still even as we approach maximum velocity. I'm a little reticent but take it anyway. I mean, who's ever going to know about this suspect act where we're going? As the stem touches my hand I land. The Fool's gone. The dog's gone. And I'm standing alone in the middle of my earliest memory. Pissing on myself. Well, not just on myself. And alone only in the same sense as watching t.v. alone.

My mother always claimed that it simply wasn't possible but the memory is precisely detailed. Like a haphazardly found photograph untinged by any peripheral sentiment or emotion. An exact curiosity. And now there it is, laid out in front of me as I always remembered it, like my mind had become a movie projector. I'm naked, being weighed on a metal scale when I'm two weeks old. The doctor's round, bespectacled face. The industrial pallor of the office walls. The book lined shelves across the room. My mother sitting at the far end still looking exhausted from recent childbirth. It's all there in every detail. I'm about to feel the sting of the cold metal tray in which I am being laid. The shock will generate a jet of urine mounting towards the doctor's white lab coat. Ah, there we go! Target acquired. Direct hit. It leaves a long stain on the left lapel. He staggers backward, rubbing the stain with his open hand then looking at his palm in disgust. I just have to laugh. I just loved that part.

"Well, that's not very helpful."

The vision collapsed around me like a cheap tent in a high wind. The fortune teller was back, staring at me disapprovingly. She took another drag on her eternal fag.

"Well what exactly are you looking for, anyway?"

"I'm trying to find out exactly what went wrong with you. Could be things you said. Could be things you did." She tapped her temple with a forefinger. "But you never can tell, could be something, you know, up in the attic."

"That's a bit harsh, don't you think?" Not exactly sure why I said that. Must have been rote. I didn't feel even a trace of slight. Far from it. Still felt good. As good as I ever had. Nothing amiss up in my attic. At least just then. She, on the other hand, was obviously pissed off.

"Hey, have you checked your ass lately? I know I have. Now pick another card!"

Don't know if other clients had seen this side of her. If so, they got more than their money's worth. When she raised her voice she was pretty impressive. A drill sergeant in gypsy drag. Obedience first was my new motto and I did as I was told. I reached out and turned over another card. It was reversed. To me, not her. Not making that mistake again. The Six of Wands.