para ti || for you

violated

i didnt know you all that well.

you hung around some of my friends, though

and sometimes youd join the crowd.

i liked you from the little bit of you i saw, though.

i wanted to be your friend.

i didnt think much of it.

you were nice to me, whats the worst that could happen?

. . .

you asked me to come over that day.

feeling bad i didnt get to smoke the other day because the wait for the dealer was too long, you offered me a drink.

i thought it was sweet of you, for at least caring somewhat.

i had never drank before.

you were practially an alcoholic.

i didnt know that though. at the time, i knew almost nothing about you.

but silly little me,

still trusts you.

. . .

i got drunk quick.

you asked me about my scars,

the ones i slashed all over myself whenever i was upset.

i never minded talking about it or showing people if they asked, long as they werent fresh.

i took off my sweater, revealing my tiger stripped arms.

you offered me another drink.

lifted my shirt, only showing my scarred stomach. nothing more.

and you offered me another drink.

i pulled down my pants a little bit, showing you my cut up thighs.

and you handed me the glass again, filled with some kind of alcohol, probably wine maybe.

but i said "im really drunk. i shouldnt drink anymore."

but you insisted.

"one more shot for the team"

i didn't think it would hurt, just one more, right?

i relented, and downed the rest of the tall glass of bitter tasting alcohol.

i blacked out, seconds later.

the next thing i remember,

i was still on the couch, but i was only half dressed, my legs wide open and your head between them.

i tried to get away from you.

but i was too drunk.

if i tried to run away from you, i would have ended up killing myself just trying to walk back home.

i dont remember much of that night.

but i know,

when you were on top of me, holding me down while you used me like a sex toy,

i cried.

i told you to stop.

i told you go let me go.

but you kept going.

we only stopped because i was about to puke up all that alcohol all over your naked body.

even then, in your bathroom, puking for at least an hour, i laid there crying.

you just kicked me and told me to get off the floor.

when i got home that night, my parents could most easily tell i was drunk. i smelled like it more than anything.

when i told them what you did to me, they didnt believe me.

but they took me to the hospital just in case.

and i stayed there for two weeks.

when i came home, everyone knew.

all my friends, my lover, even people i don't even know.

fucks sake, there was a video that you took of MY BODY, that went around the whole school.

you broke me.

whats worse, is that i got over it. but no one else did.

my lover, was so angry.

and he took it out on me.

he told me it was my fault.

that i was stupid

i had no common sense

i was a fucking idiot.

he told me, though he loved me so much, he would never look at me the same way.

and i held onto that.

he was destroyed by it more than i was. and i was the one who had to go through it.

i get flashbacks whenever i see anyone with long dreads. silently praying that it isnt you. maybe im really not over it.

i hope it kills you to think about what you did.

though i doubt it does.

but it still kills me.

~ violated