stalemate 005.5

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thank you for reading!

~kei

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** m o v e  0 0 5. 5 ** 


THE NIGHT WAS UNUSUALLY CHILLY, but it's tolerable. I watched Youjin as he walks. His body shivering, his ears and nose were bright red from the cold. I was wearing a jacket and he wasn't. It makes me wonder why because he always has his jacket with him.

"Youjin, okay ka lang?" I took a step closer to see Youjin's face.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a bit cold."

I clenched my fists inside my jacket pockets, they're a little warm, as I stared at his face. "Malamig nga ngayong gabi. Namumula na ang ilong mo."

"Talaga?" He consciously touched his nose.

"You're not just 'a bit' cold. Liar!" I blurted out. This guy...

He suddenly started laughing. "You got me. I easily get cold but I'm fine. Really."

His forced smile – lips were pale as they quietly shiver – made me feel uneasy. I felt a sudden urge inside of me of something I know I'm not supposed to feel. I tried to fight it. So bad. I clenched my fists tighter, trying hard to hold back. Maybe it could help. But it didn't.

I pulled my right hand out from my jacket's pocket and reached out for Youjin's face. I could see that he was caught off guard by my sudden action. I, myself, doesn't really understand why I am doing this either. All I know is that I wanted to touch him so bad. And if I won't do it now, I won't be able to do it again.

I lightly brushed my fingers against his cheeks. Just from that light touch I could feel his cold skin. This is not enough. I want to hold him. His hands. In my arms... This sounds crazy. Lalaki ako at lalaki din si Youjin, hindi normal na maramdaman ko ito. Hindi normal na gusto kong hawakan ang kapwa ko lalaki.

I took my hand off his face. And reached for his hand instead.

His eyes widened. I was preparing myself for him to take it from my soft grasp. I was waiting for him to get furious or yell at me or ask me why I'm doing this. But I'm scared because I don't know what to answer. I helplessly prayed he won't ask and he would let me hold him.

But all my thoughts flew off when I felt Youjin return my hold. He can't meet my eye, he's shy. I am too but more than that I am overwhelmed by this indescribable state of euphoria I am in right at this very moment.

I chuckled to hide my embarrassment. "Man, you're freezing." He just smiled at me, his cheeks turned redder than before.

I squeezed his hand gently and it made me smile when he gently squeezed my hand too.

***

Simula ng gabing yon, sa tuwing nakikita ko si Youjin lagi... palaging gusto ko syang hawakan. Gagawa ako palagi ng paraan para mahawakan ko ang kamay nya kahit patago sa mga kaibigan namin. Until days... weeks passed and this feeling grew wanting more...

And I'm starting to question myself more.

Why?

Why do I want to touch Youjin so bad?

Why do I even feel this way?

I stepped on the point of no return the night Youjin and I slept over at Eisuke's apartment. Youjin and I were both a bit drunk and we were lying next to each other. It was dark in the room and I could feel Youjin's warmth. I got up to look at Youjin, his eyes were closed and he looked like he's about to fall asleep. Then my eyes focused on his lips. Bakit ngayon ko lang napansin... He got lips one would love to kiss.

I brought my hand to gently touch his face, it made him open his eyes in surprise. Seeing him looking back at me made my chest twitch.

I wonder what it feels like to kiss him? I want to kiss him...

But, what will happen after I do that?

I leaned closer, our noses almost touching, we could smell each other's breath. Youjin's face shows the expression as if he has a clue what I wanna do next.

"Please. Don't Ask." I said.

The moment our lips touched all my thoughts vanished. In that instant, I totally lost control of myself. It started with a gentle kiss, then it doesn't felt enough that I begin kissing him deeper, hungrier. His lips, his tongue, his kiss... his body... I want to own everything about him. Then I found my hand underneath his shirt, rubbing against his chest. They're nothing close to a woman but I can't stop myself. This made him moan against my mouth. And before I knew it, I already have a hard on. I felt Youjin touched my crotch and it brought me back to reality.

I pulled myself away from Youjin and from that short distance between us, despite the darkness, I saw disappointment plastered on his face. There's nothing I could do but to look away. I'm scared he'll ask why I'm doing this to him. I don't have any answer for that.

"I'll take care of this." I said as I ran to the bathroom.


stalemate chapter 005.5 / end

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