phases of the moon // wolfstar au

o n e

"you're weird," james tells sirius.

"i am not," sirius frowns. he fiddles with the cigarette in his hand. it's unlit, and he keeps lighting the lighter in his other hand and letting it die.

"you are. you're acting weird."

"fuck off," sirius mutters, actually sounding kind of angry. he doesn't know what's wrong.

"hey," james says in a much gentler voice. "what's going on with you? you're smoking again?"

"no," sirius answers. "it's not lit, is it?"

"you don't buy cigarettes anymore."

"well, i do now."

james doesn't know what to say to that, so he just stares over the balcony. sirius is brooding beside him, and he doesn't know how to fill the silence. he just puts an arm around sirius, and sirius lets him inch closer and lean against him properly.

"you feel so far away," james whispers. "come back to us."

sirius pulls away. "i'm here," he lies, and he tosses his cigarette over the balcony and goes back inside.

"hi," remus calls from where he's sitting on the couch. sirius sits next to him, pulls his boyfriend fully into his lap. remus is clearly surprised by this affection, but he leans his cheek against sirius' chest anyay. "are you okay?" he asks softly, tiny hand rubbing sirius' chest.

"please don't ask," sirius mumbles in a hoarse voice. "i'm not ready to talk about it."

"okay. i love you," remus murmurs. he presses his hand over sirius' heart. his little hand is cool against sirius' skin, and for some reason, the tender gesture genuinely makes him want to cry. 

sirius swallows the sob down. "you, too," he says. remus can't help but frown -- he's been shortening it instead of saying the full 'i love you' thing lately, but he doesn't push him on it. clearly, sirius is already upset, and he doesn't want to make that worse. he tilts remus' chin up then, kisses him so briefly remus doesn't even have time to close his eyes. sirius' eyes don't close either, and all remus can think about is how blank his gaze is. there's no emotion, no love, no affection. it's like he's just going through the motions, like he knows he should kiss remus and so he does. "where are you going?" sirius asks when remus climbs off his lap.

"lily needs me to help with something," remus lies, but really, he just wants to be near her. he needs to be with someone who loves him, and james seems as cold as sirius does right now. he knocks on james and lily's door.

"come in," lily calls, and when the door opens, music by two door cinema club floats out. "remus!" she beams, and the joy in her voice at seeing him makes remus' eyes fill up with tears. "re! hey, what's wrong?" she gasps.

remus just shakes his head. the need to cry is pulling him down, and he just lamely opens his arms to her. she pulls him in, squeezes him, and a sob shudders its way out of him. "he doesn't love me anymore," he whispers.

"remus, that's not true! sirius loves you so much," lily says quickly, but she sees, too, that things are changing. she doesn't know what to do.

"i don't know if i can keep doing this," he tells her. he wipes his face with shaking hands. "look at me! i'm shaking! how long has it been since i've had a panic attack!?"

"ages. i don't think you've had a bad one since we moved here," she responds. "i see what you're saying..."

he leans his forehead against hers. "he doesn't love me, lily. not anymore. i'm not enough, i don't think. or maybe i'm too much."

"i don't think you've done anything, remus."

remus shakes his head. "you don't understand. it's always my fault. people always stop loving me. my dad...now sirius...there must be something wrong with me."

lily grabs his hand. "i haven't. i haven't stopped loving you."

he gives a sad smile. "not yet," he says, and he gives her hand a squeeze and leaves the room. sirius says something to him as he crosses through the living room, but remus is so far in his head he doesn't even hear it. he goes to their bedroom, not that sirius even sleeps in there anymore, and he shuts and locks the door. he sits on the floor, takes in a shaky breath. "stop it," he whispers to himself, trying to stop his panic attack in its tracks, but he can't.

it's my fault, he thinks. i could've done more. i could've given him more space, or spent more time with him. i could've loved him better. i could've been softer. i could've given more of me. i could've been gentler, or friendlier. i could've been cuter, better, i could've just been good. i wasn't even good. i know i didn't deserve his love anyway, but i know if i'd just been enough, he could've loved me forever. he could've. it's my fault, it always --

"remus," sirius' voice says, and he sounds worried. his hands are touching remus' face, and remus can't help but lean into his hold. how long has it been since sirius has held him this way, with that genuine love in his eyes? "oh, i'm sorry, i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry. i love you so much, i'm so sorry, baby, i'm so sorry," sirius babbles, and he pulls remus closer. this feels so different than how sirius was holding him just ten minutes ago, and that makes remus start to cry. "baby, tell me what's wrong," sirius pleads.

remus can't speak. he doesn't even know if he could tell sirius what's killing him even if he could speak. he just shakes his head.

"i don't know what's wrong with me," sirius says, holding him tighter still. "i'm sorry."

and then remus says it. does he say it, or does it burst out of him? he's not sure. "what did i do?"

"do?"

"to make you stop loving me. for you to disappear and somehow still be here." remus' voice is so tired.

"i still love you," sirius says.

remus wipes his tired eyes. "yeah, you do. sometimes."

"sometimes?"

"sometimes you do, sometimes you don't."

"i love you all the time," sirius whispers.

"you fucking liar," remus whispers back. sirius doesn't say anything to that. what could he say? is it a lie? he's not so sure now. he just feels far away, and he knows he loves remus and james and lily and regulus. of course he does. how could he not? but he feels so far, and he has to find his own way back home. everything is changing, phases of the moon, all he wants is to be back where he's loved, and he doesn't know how to get there.

"i love you right now," is how sirius manages to respond. it's both the perfect response and not enough at the same time.

"i don't want your sometimes love," remus snaps. "give it all to me or just fucking keep it."

sirius has become a ghost again. "okay," is all he says.