phases of the moon // wolfstar au

s e v e n

a/n: trigger warning — nonconsensual kissing, vomit

"where are you going?" remus asks sirius as his boyfriend changes into a clean shirt. he stands up to fix the collar, which is tucked in on one side.

"thanks, babe," sirius grins back in that way that steals remus' breath. he leans in for a quick kiss, just a touch of their mouths, but remus can almost physically feel the love in it. he can't help but lean in and hug sirius around the middle, just for a second. "i love you," sirius adds, kissing the top of remus' head.

"i love you, too."

"i'll see you later," sirius says, and he slips out of remus' hold and out of the hotel room. it's not until he's gone that remus realizes he never got an answer for where he was going, and he shakes his head fondly and sits on the couch next to lily.

"you okay?" she asks, looping an arm around remus' shoulders.

"yeah," he answers, but he's not sure why such a weird feeling is bubbling up in his stomach.

- - -
"hey, trevor," sirius greets, smiling at his ex as he makes his way through the door. it's been such an achingly long time since they've seen each other, and sirius' heart goes soft in his chest.

"hey!" trevor laughs, wrapping sirius up in a huge hug and kissing his cheek. something in sirius' stomach feels wrong at this, like something in them doesn't match up quite right. he hugs trevor back, though, revels in the strange familiarity of it. "you wanna grab a bite to eat? or do you just wanna walk around some?"

"let's walk," sirius suggests, and they start down a random busy street, laughing at the busyness of the stops and some of the strange products they see inside.

"so you're back in town?" trevor asks, eating a huge soft pretzel as they walk. he offers sirius a bite, who shakes his head.

"not really. i was just visiting my mom," sirius answers. "i'm probably leaving tomorrow or the day after or something."

"visiting your mom?" trevor repeats, surprised. "wow. that seems like the last reason you'd ever come back here."

"yeah. i don't know. it was necessary, i guess."

"i understand." they walk a bit farther in a comfortable silence. "so if you're not living here anymore, where are you?"

"not far from james' parents."

"oh, you and james still hang out?"

"yeah, we live together," sirius laughs.

"oh...you live together? are you guys...?"

"no!" sirius shouts, and then laughs harder. "me and james? jesus christ, that would be a shitshow. no, he's dating this girl named lily. remus' best friend."

"who's remus?" trevor asks, confused.

"no one," sirius answers, too quickly, and is entirely unsure of why he said it. guilt immediately swarms up and into his throat.

trevor just nods. they walk on a little longer. "so...you're only here until tomorrow?"

"probably," sirius answers.

"too bad." trevor steps a little closer, face extremely close to sirius'. "since you're only here for one night...maybe we could have some fun, yeah?" his hand is touching sirius' waist, but all he can think of is remus — remus' sleepy smile, the way his hair looks when it's all mussed in the morning. the way his nose wrinkles up when he laughs. the way he will automatically snuggle closer to sirius even in his sleep, the way he'll rub his blanket against his cheek when he's sleepy. the list of things sirius loves about his sweet boy is endless, and everything about being in this space is so wrong. why would he ever want to be where remus is not?

"uh, sorry, i can't," sirius says quickly, stepping back from trevor. "we're leaving really early tomorrow morning, and i — i promised james i'd help him have everything packed. sorry. maybe...maybe another time. i should go."

"wait," trevor says, and before sirius can stop him, though he certainly tries to push him away, he leans in and kisses sirius, tongue fully in his mouth. sirius has to actively try not to gag as trevor slides his hands into the back pockets of his jeans, and by then, sirius' mind has clicked back on and he slaps trevor across the face as hard as he can. trevor seems neither bothered or troubled by this, he just gives sirius a smirk that makes him nauseous and walks off down the road.

sirius leans around the corner of a building and vomits.

- - -
"do you have the flu or something?" james asks. sirius literally hasn't stopped vomiting since he walked in the door a few hours ago, and now he's sitting on the floor in a blanket, face pale. he won't let anyone in the bathroom besides james despite remus' and regulus' pleading. "where the fuck were you anyway? what did you eat?"

the question makes sirius vomit again, but there's nothing left in his stomach, so he's just gagging over the toilet with nothing but bile coming up.

"sirius," james says in a worried voice, pulling his best friend back from the toilet and into his lap. sirius isn't even sure when he'd started crying, but this might truly be his lowest point. crying hysterically on the bathroom floor in james' lap. "it's okay. it's okay, sirius, i got you."

"i'm so fucking sorry," sirius says weakly when the sobs have stopped, or at least slowed down. he tiredly droops his head back against james' shoulder, and james leans his cheek against his best friend's head.

"shhh," james responds. "i'm not going to make you talk about it, because you're clearly not ready. but when you are, i'm right here, okay?" he affectionately leaves a kiss on the top of sirius' head, and sirius has to struggle not to cry again.

sirius is way too quiet for the rest of the night, but nobody questions it. he doesn't really say a word until he's in bed with remus, and all he can choke out is, "i love you more than anything. i'm sorry."

"you don't have anything to be sorry for," remus says back, but sirius is feeling guilt in every molecule of his body, and doesn't know how to rid himself of it.