phases of the moon // wolfstar au

t w o

a/n: this song totally sets the mood for this chapter!! it made me cry while writing so pls listen either before or as u read!! thank u!!

"i don't know what to do," remus tells regulus. he's working a shift today at the bookstore, and though it's remus' day off, he decides to go bug regulus anyway. "sirius is acting so weird. it's like he only half-loves me now."

"yeah, well, you're not alone in that, buddy," regulus says dryly. "there's definitely something up."

"you're noticing it, too?"

"i haven't had an actual conversation with him in, like, two months. you know that's unlike him. it's like i don't even live in the apartment. it's like he's seeing through me."

"exactly," remus gasps out. that's exactly what he feels, and it's the strangest, sweetest ache to realize he's not alone in what he's feeling. he reaches out and grabs regulus' hand. "we can fix this," he breathes. "we have to. either we fix this or it kills me."

regulus puts a hand and affectionately ruffles remus' hair. "i don't think this is our thing to fix, re. i think this is sirius' cross to bear. we have to let him work through this."

"alone? no. no, absolutely not," remus responds quickly, shaking his head. "we don't do that, regulus. imagine if you'd let me deal with my dad alone!"

regulus sighs, sits on a spare stool. "it's not anything like that, remus. sirius isn't being physically abused."

remus shifts, still uncomfortable with talking about his father. "...we have to help him."

"okay, how do you suggest doing that? he's not going to talk to us."

"i don't know," remus mumbles. "but i won't let this kill him, regulus, i'd rather fucking die."

regulus lets out a heavy sigh, cups remus' face in his hands, and kisses the top of his head. "i know. i would, too."

- - -

"you have to talk to me." remus' voice is small. he isn't afraid of sirius, not at all, but he doesn't know how to bring this up without sirius getting angry.

sirius leans against the counter, texting someone, jaw tight. "about what, remus?"

"sirius..." remus' hands are shaking. he tries to take a deep breath. "i miss you."

sirius actually looks up for a second. "miss me? i'm right here."

"no, you're not," remus mumbles, and his voice wobbles. don't cry, he tells himself. you can't. "you're not there, sirius, not really. it's like you're...you're a ghost of yourself, or something. you're there, but you don't see me. you fade in and out." sirius doesn't say anything, just texts. "don't you miss me, too?"

"we're together," is all sirius says, distracted.

remus frowns. "are you listening to me?"

"of course."

"are you? are you really?" remus chews on his trembling lower lip. "do you...do you remember the first time you kissed me?"

"uh-huh," sirius responds, definitely not listening now.

"i loved you then, you know," remus whispers. "you were smiling in that way that makes me all shivery. you know, more of a smirk than a smile. and i was so nervous! my heart was beating so hard, you could actually hear it...and yours was, too. you let me feel it, my hand on your chest. you were so there. you were so close. and i knew. i knew before you even kissed me. you were holding me. no -- we were holding each other, and god, you're so lovely, sirius, i thought my heart was going to --" remus is cut off by sirius snorting in response to a text he receives, and remus goes quiet. "never mind," he mumbles.

"i'm listening," sirius replies after way too long of a pause.

"stop lying to me," remus responds.

sirius finally puts his phone away, and the fondness returns to his eyes. he seems less cloudy now, much more present, and just seeing that makes a sob bubble up into remus. "i'm here," sirius says. "i know it doesn't seem like i am, but i'm here, and i love you. i mean it right now, don't i?" he asks, and he waits, looking down at remus with all of his fondness.

"yes," remus whispers. he does. he can tell. "come back to me."

"i'm here," sirius says again. "i know i'm worrying everyone, but i'm fine. don't worry about me, love. i'm here."

- - -

sirius has stopped sleeping. 

at first, it was just that he stopped going to the bed at night, but remus can hear him pacing in the living room. he would know the sound anywhere by now, and for some reason, tonight, he gets out of bed and goes into the living room. sirius is sitting on the couch after pacing for some time, shoulders hunched, and it frightens remus that he starts to sob. it's not just tears -- his sirius sobs, body quaking, sobbing so hard it seems like it must hurt.

remus doesn't even feel himself do it, but suddenly, his arms are full of sirius, just holding him. and unlike other times, sirius doesn't push him away. he curls into remus, every part of them touching. sirius' face is tucked in remus' neck, and he buries his aching there, that soft part of remus' throat. and remus just holds him, stroking his hair, leaving kisses where he can reach.

"please, please," remus begs, "i'm so scared, please, baby, tell me what's wrong. let me help you."

sirius lets out another sob. "i can't."

"please. i'm with you. please let me protect you."

sirius holds remus tighter. "i won't let anyone hurt you, remus. even if it means i have to leave you, god damn it, i won't let anything hurt any of you."

remus clings tighter to sirius, too. "no. no. neither of us are leaving the other. we already did that, didn't we? no running away."

sirius shuts his eyes. his eyelashes clump together from tears. "i will keep you safe. you are my whole entire heart."

this is the sirius remus knows and adores. "tell me how i can help you! please, sirius, you're scaring me."

"let it go, remus." sirius tries to pull away, but remus clings to him.

"no, stay with me, stay with me," remus pleads. "tell me what's wrong."

"i said let it go."

"no! tell me, please!"

"i said no!" sirius' voice is the sharpest remus has ever heard it, and remus immediately lets him go. "remus, baby, i'm sorry. i'm so sorry, i shouldn't have yelled at you. i know you hate it. i'm so sorry, i'm so sorry." he lets out a shaky sigh. "okay. here," he whispers, and he gives remus his phone.

Unknown: I want to see you.

Sirius: No. You know I won't.

Unknown: You know you want to.

Unknown: You know you miss me. Come back.

"what is this?" remus whispers.

sirius closes his eyes tight. his lashes are still wet. "my mother," he says, and remus' blood goes cold. "she wants me and regulus to come home, or she's going to come here."

"she can't hurt us here, right?" remus says nervously. he doesn't know what to expect from this. his boyfriend isn't really afraid of much, but something about his mother brings both him and regulus to their knees, and he isn't sure what to make of it.

sirius shakes his head. "you don't know my mother."