Original First Draft of Hamlet

Hamlet

NARRATOR: One time Hamlet went to the store and buy some groceries; when he come back, his father (also named Hamlet) has died! Also, some man with fourteen bras died as well. Mr. King Bras also had a son with the same name. Dumb.

(the uh, show starts)

BERNARDO: Yo, there's a ghost.

MARCELLUS: Bitch where

BERNARDO: um the forest or something I think

MARCELLUS: What the fuck? Is it malicious?

BERNARDO: Nah, he's just chillin'. He kinda looks like the king though.

MARCELLUS: Dead king?

BERNARDO: Dead king. Boi it's a ghost what do you think?

MARCELLUS: Ok let's tell Horatio

BERNARDO: Nah he gay

(enter HORATIO)

HORATIO: bitch

MARCELLUS: Hey wHOReATIO, there's a ghost in... uh, somewhere.

HORATIO: Okay...?

MARCELLUS: It looks like the king.

HORATIO: Dead king?

BERNARDO: Y'all both dumb as fuck. Shouldn't we tell Hamlet? It's his,, daddy ;)

MARCELLUS: die

HORATIO: You guys are pranking me. Take me to this... ghost.

MARCELLUS: Ok, we need you anyway bc you're a nerd.

(the three DUMBASS HOES go to the forest)

BERNARDO: It was here, I promise.

MARCELLUS: Oh shoot, I actually saw a ghost here too.

HORATIO: Unbelievable. You are both liars. I'm going home.

BERNARDO: No I swear

(enter GHOST)

MARCELLUS: There it is. Look over there! Wow! It DOES look like the king!

HORATIO: Probably because it's the king.

MARCELLUS: Okay so the way you've been acting again lately-

BERNARDO: Shut the fuck up. It approaches.

MARCELLUS: Horatio, speak to it. You gotta use your dumb ghost language or whatever.

HORATIO: (sighing, because they'll never understand the value of the Latin language) Ok, here we go. (approaches GHOST)
H-hewwo?

(GHOST turns away)

BERNARDO: now he's triggered, what the fuck Horatio

(exit GHOST)

BERNARDO & MARCELLUS: what the fuck Horatio (they kill HORATIO)

(enter HAMLET)

HAMLET: shit now I can't get some scholarly succ

~THE END~