Summary:
That somehow, all of this mess
Is just my attempt to know the worth of my life...
Song: Mercury by Sleeping at Last
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Word Count: 1104
Learning How To Love Series - Part 1
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He has been walking for a while now, since the school day finished, actually, though if you ask him he won't know how long ago that was.
Walking has always calmed him and helped him clear his mind and understanding himself and his thoughts, so, after the day he had had, it was the only plausible thing to do.
He had walked through the woods, knowing them as if they were his home. They were his home in a way. His walk and his thinking process were only interrupted by the birds and the other animals, no sign of humanity. He enjoyed that.
Now, he was walking through town. Needing to go to his apartment and get a good night of sleep. He needed to rest.
It was already night time and this part of town was deserted. He was glad for that. He didn't know what time it was or how long he had been walking, but, if he had to guess, he would say it was already pretty late, seeing as the lights on the windows of the houses were almost all turned off, people must be already asleep.
It was like he was alone in the world. Alone with his shadow which was cast by the street lights. At least they noticed him enough to cast his shadow.
They noticed him, unlike Liam.
Liam was the reason why he was walking right now. He was almost always the reason behind Theo's walks.
"It isn't fair," Theo thought. "Why doesn't he look at me like I'm a person?"
It wasn't fair. Or maybe it was exactly what Theo deserved after all the not exactly nice things he has done, but he still wished it was different.
In the beginning, Theo always tried to catch every little gesture Liam did, always trying to see if he showed any clues of being interested. Of course, he never found any, and that broke him a little bit more than he already was.
Since he had laid eyes on the younger boy he had felt something inside him shift, something change, something becoming different and good.
The guy was handsome and Theo just wanted to be able to talk to him normally and get to know him better and let Liam get to know him too. He had never wanted anyone to know him, he thought that people knowing him made him vulnerable and he preferred keeping to himself. Liam made him want to open up, made him feel like he could trust him enough to let him know things about himself that no one else knew.
But such thing couldn't happen, for more than one reason.
Firstly, Theo didn't even know if Liam was interested in boys and, if he were, he would probably never be interested in someone as problematic, dangerous and evil as Theo. Why would he? Theo knew that the person Liam saw when he looked at him wasn't exactly a pleasant one, so why would he ever want him in his life?
If that wasn't enough, Liam had a girlfriend, one with whom he was happy with. They loved each other, supported each other, knew each other and could trust each other. Why would Liam ever want to give up something like that for something with a boy? With Theo of all boys. It would never happen, Theo should just stop wishing something like that.
Also, there was Theo's job, Theo's mission. All the power he had wanted in his life laid at his feet, he couldn't give that up. There were things he would have to do, things he needed to do right now, things that weren't exactly good, things that Liam wouldn't be able to look past.
Liam and Theo together was something that would never happen. Theo should stop dreaming at once.
But he couldn't.
He couldn't because he was in too deep already. He couldn't because he liked Liam too much. He couldn't because he was selfish. He couldn't because he wanted Liam. He couldn't because his heart was broken.
Theo didn't think his heart could ever be fixed; he was far too broken, not only by Liam, but by everyone, by himself even.
And the worst was that he knew that he would do anything for Liam. Even though Liam wasn't interested, even though he had a girlfriend, even though Theo had a mission, even though his heart was broken; Theo would do everything he could to keep him safe and out of trouble.
And the more he tried to keep the boy safe, the more attached he became, the harder it was to let go. It was a circle Theo would never be able to escape.
He would do anything for Liam. And he would do everything Liam asked him too.
It would be his downfall.
Theo should stop, he should forget Liam and move one, but he couldn't. He couldn't because, somehow, he fell in love, forgetting all the bad things, not even caring about the things he should care about, like his mission that didn't seem as appealing as before, not caring about his broken heart.
The situation was a mess. A big mess that made Theo understand that he wasn't worth anything. That made him realize that, although he would do anything to keep Liam alive, Liam wouldn't do the same for him, because Liam didn't care about him. Because Theo didn't deserve it.
Reaching the building where he lived, Theo climbed the stairs and opened the door to his apartment. It was just a house, he couldn't even call it home. It was empty and dark, no one had ever visited it, and Theo felt even more lonely, knowing that Scott's pack was probably having a meeting, having fun together like friends do.
Theo had been a mess for a long time, he had tried to get better and, in a way, his mission had helped to lift his spirit. But Beacon Hills was making him feel lonely, making him feel broken and out of place and liking Liam the way he did only make it worse.
Yet, somehow, Theo knew that he wouldn't be able to get away from Beacon Hills, just like he wouldn't be able to stop liking Liam. He would deal with the brokenness of his heart and his soul that would get worse and worse and he wouldn't stop.
And while laying in bed, in the dark empty apartment, Theo couldn't help but wish that the next day, Liam looked at him, smiled and made everything a little bit better.
The unrealistic thoughts lulled him to sleep.
