October 19

2012

"Dan, don't worry about it."

"Don't worry about it?" My voice was raised slightly, but not quite at a yelling volume yet.

Phil I seemed to be having a lot of arguments lately. This particular one was completely out of the blue and spontaneous, but that didn't mean I was going to quit it. Phil and I were lounging out on our couch, as we typically did, when I noticed Phil was scrolling through our tag on Tumblr. So many posts were made about the Phan ship instead of our actual content and it was just so frustrating. I eventually voiced this to Phil, who immediately got all defensive about how it was "okay" and "just for fun". This infuriated me.

I stood as I spoke and glared down at him. "How can I not worry about it when all anybody seems to care about these days is if we're doing it or not?"

"Look, Dan, they don't mean to hurt you. They're just fangirling. It's nothing." His voice was hesitant and quiet, like he was afraid to set me off.

His apparent fear made guilt turn in my gut, but the bigger and more irrational part of me let my anger flare up. "How are you so cool about this, Phil? They're ruining our careers!"

"Cause it doesn't matter, Dan!" Now he was participating in the shouting. He shoved his laptop aside and stood to his full height to glare at me. "They're just internet trolls."

"No!" I screamed as loud as I possibly could. My throat burned and my eyes stung from the tears that threatened to fall. "No, I will not stop. I will not stop when thousands of people are telling me that I'm gay when I'm not! I can't handle that!"

Phil's voice dropped down to its regular volume, but it was cold as ice and froze my bones. "What about the boyfriend you had a few months ago? What about that guy you told you loved more than anything in the world? What about that boy you kissed not even more than a year ago?"

My eyes widened and I suddenly regretted every word that had left my mouth. "Phil. I-"

"No, Dan." He cut me off with a tone that cut through the air like a knife. "Don't give me that. I've spent so long trying to handle your bullshit and I'm done. What about me? Do you know how much it hurt keeping you as a friend even after you ended everything?"

One of the tears broke free and traveled down my face. "Phil, please, I didn't mean-"

"Oh, just save it, Dan. I don't care anymore. Just leave me alone."

And with that he left. He crossed the living room and walked right into his own room. The door slammed loudly against the frame. The sound reminded me of a heart breaking.

I brought one of my hands up to my mouth as a sob tore through my entire being. The tears cascaded down my face, but I didn't care enough to wipe them away.

I've ruined it. I've ruined every thing.