October 19

2021

Wrong. It was wrong. Everything was wrong. It was all so very, completely, absolutely, thoroughly wrong. 

The sleeves of the black jacket I was wearing felt too tight around my pale wrists. The baby blue tie circling my neck felt like a noose, choking me every time I struggled to get a breath into my lungs. The pants that were reflected in the mirror and encased my long legs were hideous and not very form fitting in their grey state. My wild curls would not be tamed this morning and looked too crazed and chaotic above my head, making me look like a deranged lunatic that recently escaped his mental asylum to crash some poor couple's wedding. 

I was inspecting myself in the mirror that hung on the outside of the bathroom door of the hotel that we would be holding the ceremony in when my Dad walked in. He took one look at me, anxiety ridden and completely overwhelmed, and only chuckled. I glared half playfully and half meaning it back at him as I straightened my tie for the billionth time that evening. 

He turned my body around so I was facing him and began fixing my tie. "Why are you so nervous, Dan? He's already agreed to marry you, now you just gotta do it!"

"But that's the terrifying part!" I cried and he shot me a gravely confused look. "What if he changes his mind last minute? What if he suddenly decides I'm not good enough for him? What if he really only said he'd marry me because he secretly pitied me? What if-"

My Dad cut me off by spinning my whole body around to look at myself in the mirror once more. "Who's this, Dan?" 

I crinkled my eyebrows together. "It's me?" 

"Exactly." He spoke in hushed excitement, like the Fathers in movies when they are telling their young children bed time stories and they want to make it seem much more interesting than it actually is. "That is you. That is the boy who constantly laughs at memes on the internet and has whole vine compilations memorized. That is the boy that does YouTube for a living, trying to relate to as many people as he can and making everyone involved feel a little less alone, including himself. That's the boy that met some guy on the internet and decided he just had to see him in real life. That's the boy that stuck by that guy's side for years, even though he had a silent, massive and ever growing crush on him. That's the boy that I have witnessed go through so much, but had also accomplished more in his twenty some years than some others have in a lifetime. That's the boy that I get to give away today to a man I know loves him, and I know he loves. You can do this Dan. You both can do this. After this, it's just smooth sailing." 

I smiled a bit through the anxiety that ate at my insides. "You're my Dad. You have to say that." 

"True." He complied with a shrug and a slight grin. "But that doesn't mean I'm not right." 

We both chuckled a little bit until I heard the creak of the door opening. It was Phil's older brother, Martyn. "We're ready for you." His face was pulled up in a smile. He was so bright and eager and I felt myself grow more and more excited with each approaching second. 

I looked up to my Dad who was smiling down at me. "Ready?" 

I took one last look in the supposedly lying mirror, straightened out my jacket one more time, and took a deep breath. "Ready." 

I grabbed onto his arm and he began leading me to the front doors of the room I'd be marrying the love of my life in. I drew in a deep breath once more before the doors opened wide for us. There were rows upon rows of seats, all filled with the bodies of our friends and families that could make it. Piano music played loudly in the background, filling the air and creating the perfect scene. 

But I ignored that. I ignored it all. 

My gaze fell straight onto Phil, clad in a sleek black suit and a tie that matched mine. He smiled when I caught his gaze and I watched as his face lit up. 

In that moment I could only feel one thing. 

Love.