THE BEAUTIFUL MESS AND THE DANGEROUS LEDGE.

When beginning met the end

"No one, can unring this bell. Unsound this alarm unbreak my heart  new. God knows I am dissonance waiting to be swiftly pulled into tune."

"How are you doing today?" She asks,curiosity poorly hidden behind a tone of professional  concern. It was unnerving if not slightly irritating.

"You can't save me." I said, instead of lying to her. I didn't have the energy left to muster up a positive reply and coat it with a joyful smile. Not today. The thought of even trying was proving to be physically painful.

She attempted to hide her shock, really she did, but her widened eyes  and shaking hands gave her away. I noticed everything, most times I hated  it. Ignorance was bliss and that was all I wanted. Bliss. Or maybe a little peace. She was intelligent though, I guess that was why I had tried to make her job easier. Intelligence seemed to dull the anger in me. Anger for the human race at large, but mostly anger at myself. If I could lose myself in the intelligence of those around me, I could forget about my own. My knowledge. What I knew, I wasn't supposed to know. It was destroying me.
"You can't be saved? Perhaps you don't want to be saved?" She said cautiously, previous shock missing from her eyes that were now analyzing me. She was assessing me. I could always tell. She knew I hated it.

My fists clenched on reflex but I kept my anger at bay and instead rewarded her with a cynical smile. It chilled her blood,I could tell by her sharp intake of breath. I'd been practicing you see,being cynical. It was better than what I was right now, on the verge of a breakdown.

"Does it make a difference?" I asked, the lack of emotion in my voicing scaring me a little. How had it gotten to this?

She gave me a smile filled with so much pity that it made my stomach clench and my anger rise once more. I hated pity."Meeraela,"she started, pronouncing my name only like my mother knew how. Nobody else said it quite the same,she made it sound beautiful. It saddened me because I was not deserving of anything beautiful. Maybe then,not now."My beautiful girl,IT IS the difference."

A tear betrayed me at that moment. But it was the only one to fall before her because I hightailed it out of her office a moment later. Heart shattering into pieces too minute to count. I thought it couldn't hurt any more. I was wrong. I was so wrong.

I made a decision at that point. I was tired of fighting off the inevitable. I had to tell someone what I knew. Or I would die trying.