Maddie's Girls

Chapter 17

I don't hate Maddison.

Sometimes, when I allowed myself to feel something towards Maddison, it was something like a need to be closer to her, to be with her, to kiss her. But as soon as I felt that, anger rushed through me.

I felt dirty.

Thinking about her felt like I was doing something wrong.

Wanting her made me ashamed of myself. After talking to Becca, I couldn't bring myself to even try to sympathise with Maddison. I didn't know what was wrong with Maddison, what was been happening in her head but— even if there was something, even if Maddison was hurting and that was why she acted the way she did... you don't hurt people just because you're hurting. You don't play them. You don't fuck with them the way Maddison did with the girls.

It's not fair.

It's not right.

That was why I stood there, not knowing what to do with my hands and with my mind running wild as I stood in Maddison's porch.

I don't know exactly why I was even there, I don't know what I wanted to say to her, why I wanted to get involved but I wanted to know why, why cause someone so much pain that it made them believe they have no use other than for sex, that nobody would love them or want them, why hurt someone so much that you literally drive them to the point of trying to find a way to hurt you back? Why do it in public, why make fun of girls for caring about you, why lie to them, deceive them, laugh in their face; why humiliate girls like that?

I raised my fist, ready to knock when my phone vibrated, I took it out of my pocket. It was a message from Becca, hey (: soo about yesterday, I just wanted to say I'm sorry lool I had a few shots before you arrived and idk I was being dramatic thats all. Hope I didn't scare you away lol.

I stared at the text, and watch as a little bubble popped up. She was typing and then she stopped and then she was typing again but she never sent. A minute passed and I'm still standing with my fist in the air, but she was not typing anymore. I stared at the screen, not knowing what to say. And then, another message came. Wanna meet later on? So we can talk or idk whatever you want.

I could feel the awkwardness radiating from the screen. Becca was uncomfortable with that, she didn't know how to go about it and I could tell. I wanted to shake her. I wanted to tell her that she didn't have to feel that way with me, it wasn't something to be embarrassed about; she was hurting and she shouldn't be ashamed of it. She shouldn't have to feel that way in the first place but I couldn't find the right words to type back, I couldn't find the right order in which to write them and I sighed, and I thought about what she said, what she believed and I wondered if Nina felt that too, if Cassie and Maggie, confident and strong as they were, did they feel that way too? Did Lottie feel that way too? Did Maddison's disregard of their emotions make them feel that way too?

I wondered... I wondered when was it exactly that all of them started feeling a little like I felt? Feeling like nobody really saw you, like nobody would ever love you, no one would ever truly understand you. Fair enough, my reasons for believing that were completely different from theirs but the feeling was almost the same. And I wondered...

I just wondered...

How many other girls feel that way?

So empty, so unloveable, so out of place, so inadequate.

I suddenly felt stupid, I felt absurd being there, at Maddison's doorsteps. What was I even doing there? I wasn't going to get any sort of explanation from Maddison, she didn't care, she didn't care about Lottie, or Becca or any of the girls.