Maddie's Girls

Chapter 29

♀ Asha ♀

I've never an issue sending a text message before. I just tap, tap, tap and send. It's just a flipping message, just one stupid little message. How comes nothing seems right?

First, I tried with 'Becca, I know this can be very confusing for the both of us and I know how things might have looked like after the whole 'confession' thing, but guess what? It was from flipping Kyle. He even asked me out, lol...' but that seemed a little too... short-spoken. I also tried a joke to smooth things over but I'm not funny and I'm a little afraid it might seem too forced, so I deleted the joke and I stared at my screen.

After class ended and Mr Miller dismissed us and after the little chat I had with Becca, I knew I had to give her time. I can't force Becca to listen if she's not ready to. I can't force her to not be angry or afraid or whatever she is right now, just because I've finally realised that I'm— somewhat in love with her. I don't have a claim over her and I can't expect her to just be okay and ready to be with me after I practically dragged her along the way, refusing to see that the way we behaved around each other was more than just friendly.

I, however, can at least let her know that between me and Maddison there was nothing going on. I thought about doing it face to face, it would've been easier that way but I couldn't bring myself to go see her. The way she looked at me, the way she asked me for time. She needed it and I couldn't bring myself to force her to listen to me when she wanted to be alone.

I could respect that.

But I couldn't let her think that there was something between Maddison and I because the idea of Becca thinking that... I couldn't let her go on about her day thinking that, I just couldn't.

So, I start typing again. Pacing from left to right, stopping in front of the fountain only when I try to come up with a synonym for the word annoying. 'Becca, I know this might be a little annoying...' Irritating, maybe? Frustrating? ... vexing? No, too much. I don't want to sound too formal but I don't want to sound informal either. I want to get to the point but I don't want her to think it's just a random text without any thought or meaning.

I bit my lip and looked up to the sky. The sun was out and there were no clouds. Lots of people always said England was horrible because they all thought the weather was bad. And granted, it is... but during Summer? England was the place to be during Summer. The birds were singing, my hoodie was over my shoulder because this morning was kind of chilly and now it was hot and the water running from the fountain makes me want to pee. I take a deep breath in, right after leaving the Sixth Form building I came out here because I thought nature might turn me into somewhat of a poet but so far, I'm just hungry and annoyed at myself.

I look down at my phone and try again. 'Becca, I know I can be somewhat irritating sometimes but if I don't tell you this... my brain might just explode.' I take a deep breath in and slowly let it out. How do I explain this when I'm confused myself? How do I explain to her that one day, suddenly I realised that all this time I've been trying to convince myself that I felt something for Maddison because it was easier that way? Because I confused friendship love with something more and I wanted Maddison in my life because... because I had the chance of getting back someone I cared about a lot and I thought I lost, so I tried to hold onto her the only way I thought I could.

How in hell do I tell her I that I just didn't want to accept that in reality, it was her all along? That I want to be with her and not Maddison but I never thought I'd stand a chance...

How do I say that without it coming out wrong or hurting her feelings? How do I tell her that without sounding like a total asshole?

I bite my lip, harder this time. I feel like screaming. This is so hard, why is this so hard? I'm about to turn around when a sudden voice startles me, making me jump and drop my phone.