Maddie's Girls

Chapter 18

As the weeks went by, my 'heartbreak' started to fade into the back of my mind.

Not because I've somehow magically stopped feeling it, but rather because I've dived into literally anything and everything to stop myself from thinking about Maddison.

I knew that I up to a certain point, I had no right to be upset over it, Maddison and I weren't together for one and I had to remember that I even got close to Maddison because of some stupid revenge plot the girls had in the first place. Regardless of the plan not being active now, it was still something I was a part of. I guess that was how Karma worked...

Despite how shitty I felt, I was trying to force myself to feel anger instead of hurting. I pushed it all down. At the end of the day, I wanted to believe that it was for the best because, despite the hope I had for Maddison and me to maybe become something, I knew Maddison wasn't for me. Knowing that something wasn't right for you, though, didn't stop you from wanting it and I wanted it, I wanted to be with someone who'd want me and I guess, now that it ended, I just had to accept it.

Maddison sent me a bunch of text for the first few days telling me she understood that I was upset but that they weren't even together, just like we weren't together either. I wasn't mad that Sam and Maddison were together or whatever Maddison wanted to call it. I was mad that for a minute I allowed myself to think that maybe a girl like me could be with a girl like Maddison.

I wasn't ugly or whatever, I was alright, but that wasn't what I meant. What I meant is that Maddison went for girls like Becca, like Nina, like Lottie, Maggie and Cassie. Girls who knew what they wanted, girls who were sure of themselves and were out there for the world to see. I was nobody. Who would want a nobody?

I guess that was why I was so into it, so into Maddison and I... because I had never felt wanted and I liked it, so I dived into that feeling, I gave myself to it without thinking of what I was actually doing and with whom.

Understanding all of that, though, didn't make me any less angry.

And I hated her for it. I hated her for unknowingly giving me hope, I hated her for being so oblivious to what she was doing, for being who she was for making me think she cared— for making me care.

I was so mad at her. So mad for reminding me I'm nothing special.

I only realised that I was crying, when Danny's index finger pressed against my cheek, wiping my tear as if it was an eyelash. He looked at his finger with a frown and then showed me it.

"You're crying," He said, looking from his finger to me. "You also look like you're planning a murder."

"Do you think I'm ugly?" The question was out of my mouth before I could even think it through.

Danny's eyes widen and he moved back from me, his hand slightly dropping. He quickly recovered from the question but he still looked uncomfortable.

"Ugly? Ugly, how?"

My face dropped at his answer. Was there any hope if even my best friend thought I was ugly? The reasonable side of me, knew that it was so childish of me to be mad at him for his reaction, but I couldn't help the way I felt.

Danny didn't have to think I was pretty but— fuck, it would've been nice.

"This is about Maddison, isn't it?" He asked. I looked away from him. "What did she do? Did she call you ugly? I made up with her but I'll fight her."

"You can't fight her," I shook my head, looking around the school's library. "Boys can't hit girls. Girls can't hit boys, either, so don't let her fight you back."