Diary of Secrets

Chapter 7

Second Period – ENGLISH

“Eva, can you meet me after class?”

‘Sure, Ms. Evans.’

*After class*

“You have been looking very down today, is there any problem?”

‘I am just not feeling alright Ms. Evans.’

“Come here.”

“Now do you feel okay?”

‘I haven’t felt this better. Thank you Ms. Evans.’

“Anytime dear.”

COFFEE SHOP

“Eva, what a pleasant surprise. What are you doing here?”

‘Uh, I work here Ms. Evans. I seemed to get lonely at home and since I am not more of a social person, this could take some of my problems away.’

“Problems?”

‘Some school problems. They will be okay soon. So, why are you here Ms. Evans?’

“This is a coffee shop, and it’s not restricted to public right?”

‘Um, right. What would you like to order?’

“One Café Latte, with an extra sugar, please?’

‘Sure, Ms. Evans.’

‘Here is your order, Ms. Evans.’

“You know you can call me, Emily. It’s not that we are in the school campus, right now.”

‘That wouldn’t be alright since I am your student. People will find that inappropriate.’

“I don’t care about them Eva. Wait, show me your right hand.”

‘I haven’t done anything, Ms. Evans.’

“Show it to me, NOW.”

‘I am sorry ma’am.’

“Why did you decide to do so?”

‘I told you earlier in the morning that I wasn’t feeling alright.’

“And that’s why you decided to harm yourself?”

‘Yes, I guess.’

“Can you sit down here and talk to me about it?”

‘I have work to do. Mrs. Pattinson wouldn’t allow that.’

“Alright. We will talk tomorrow?”

‘Sure. Bye Ms. E…Emily.’

“Take care, Eva.”

-

1st April, 2013

Dear Diary,

When I walked into the school, I went to the washroom to take care of my hair as I had literally rushed to the school being late. When I looked at the mirror, there was this huge message written with a lipstick. It said “NOBODY NEEDS YOU, D*KE.” I walked backwards till my back touched the wall. I let my body slide down, but never let my eyes tear away from those words. Why would someone even write that? Was I that unimportant? Being a lesbian doesn’t do any harm to anybody, then why do they react this way. I broke into tears, thinking of my once happy family. There were times like these when I literally missed them. It hurts to be so far away from them that even if you want to; you can’t reach out to them. The bell for the English class rang, and I cleared my eyes, splashed water and went for the class. Ms. Evans was as usual in her seat. I walked hurriedly past her to my seat. I didn’t want her to look into my eyes and sense something was wrong. But Ms. Evans being her kind self looked into my eyes and told me to meet her after class. I sighed and waited for the bell to ring. It rang, and I went to her. She asked me what’s wrong as she noticed my sad face. I told her I wasn’t feeling alright, and in response she pulled me into a hug. Her hugs gave a hint of love and care. But she was my teacher so that’s what I assumed and broke apart. She then asked me whether I felt okay and this time I told her the truth. I actually did feel better, as I wasn’t someone who would get hugs on a daily basis. I had no friend, no family and no lover, so a hug was beyond it. But Ms. Evans proved all of that in that one simple hug. But I knew she was neither my friend nor my family, lover is beyond it. I left her class and walked down the hallway. The hallway was filled with students. So when I was walking, I started getting chits of paper thrown at me. When I picked one up, there was one word that I had seen earlier too. Everyone seemed to laugh around me and tears started pouring down my cheeks. I went into the washroom and locked it. I slowly slid down and lay down on the floor itself. My eyes then landed on a piece of glass that was lying beside me. I picked it up, and started running them down my left hand. Blood appeared from it, and I went to the sink, and placed my hand under the water. The pain that escalated after it, made me cry. I slowly then took out a bandage from my bag that I carry every day, ever since that incident in my childhood, and wrapped it around my arms. Soon the pain went down. When I took out the bandage as it was slowly starting to irritate me, I saw there were red marks. I cringed at it later realizing they were faults of my own deeds. I came out of the washroom and left for my job at the coffee shop. Yesterday I was so excited about it, but today I just wanted the day to be over. When I reached the shop, I went to the back room, wore an apron and started for my first day at the job. I looked at Mrs. Pattinson and she smiled at me. I smiled back, and made myself prepared for the first day. Few customers came, placed their orders and sat down. It was a lot hectic work, and as there was nobody to help us, only me and Mrs. Pattinson, it was not easy. Soon a lady entered, and her voice instantly made my sad mood happier. It was Ms. Evans. She gave me a smile and I blushed. She then asked me what I was doing here. I was thinking about what to answer to her, when I gave in and told her, I work here. I even told her how working here in the coffee shop takes my mind away from all the problems in my life. She got hint of my word and asked me what sort of them. I just simply told her some school related problems and that they will be okay soon. And then I quickly changed the topic and asked her the same question that she asked after seeing me here. She chuckled and told me that it was a coffee shop so she can come here anytime. I then thought how stupid it was for me to think so. I told her yeah and asked for her order. She ordered a Café Latte with extra sugar. Well I guess she’s extremely sweet as it is so why would she need an extra packet. She then went to take a seat near the window and I started preparing her coffee. After it was done, I went to her and placed it on the table. I called her Ms. Evans and she told me to call her by her name. I figured that would be totally inappropriate for me to do so, but she reminded that we weren’t in the school campus. I reminded her that people would object if they knew she was my teacher, but she responded back by saying she doesn’t care. I stood in front of her awkwardly suddenly finding my fingers very interesting, when she managed to notice my right hand. Shit, she must have seen those cuts. I cursed myself for taking out that bandage from there and stupidly replied back to her saying I didn’t do anything. It was only in front of her that I have been acting stupidly recently. I cringed when she shouted back at me to show it to her. Now it was no point of hiding it from her when she had already seen my creativity. I brought it in front of her and told her I was sorry. Then she asked me why I did it. If only she knows, how I was feeling when I was doing it. It tends to release pain within me, from all those harsh words people say to me. They aren’t afraid at all. They just go ahead and say it. Why wouldn’t they think, what harm it can cause me? I then told her that I wasn’t feeling alright so I went ahead and did it. She then asked me still in surprise that I harmed myself for such a silly reason, and I told her yeah I guess, because I can’t really say her what really made me do so, guess I lacked courage. She then told me to sit in front of her and talk to her about it. I looked back at Mrs. Pattinson and seeing how she was working herself up, thinking that she wouldn’t pay me for slacking behind on my first day itself, I told Ms. Evans that I have work to do, so she agreed and asked me whether she would see me tomorrow. I told her sure, and made my way back to my place behind the counter. I looked back at her and saw her sipping her coffee, looking outside the window, with a hint of smile on her face. I knew she liked my coffee as today everyone who had my coffee praised me, so did Mrs. Pattinson. So being the reason behind that smile, I smiled on the inside. She was the reason I could get myself to be happy again. Maybe she is the new change that I needed in my life right now?

Love,

Eva.