Diary of Secrets

Chapter 10

Eva’s POV

Oh god! Oh god! After coming back from that Coffee shop, I slept off because I had been doing too much of thinking today and that led to a headache. And now I can sense a tremendous storm coming to tear me into pieces. I can’t find my diary and I can’t even run to the shop. It’s already late and all I can do is sit in agony hoping the diary doesn’t get in hands of anyone especially for the one I had written. Today the whole day I thought about Ms. Evans. I wanted to tell her about my problems. I wanted her to trust me and not feel like I was trying to scare her with my feelings because she was the only one who I have gotten so close to. And I don’t want to lose her. My inner mind and heart had its own thoughts. The brain was telling me she is my teacher and she will probably hate me but deep inside my heart knew she would not. I got so confused that I had to ignore Ms. Evans the whole day today. She seemed sad though, but once I figure out what I had to do, the first person I would go to will be her. But I was still unsure.

The next day I walked to my English class, being nervous as hell. Why was I nervous? Because I was finally going to talk to her after all the thinking I did last night. And when I saw her, whatever was in my mind went straight out of the window. Why does she have to look so stunning every time I saw her? My mind couldn’t focus anywhere but at her. She was making it hard for me to change my mind. Like my heart was just going to blurt it all. I sighed and went to my seat. The whole period she didn’t teach and not once she looked at me. Did I really piss her off by ignoring her yesterday? I slumped down in my seat starting to feel my eyes stinging with tears. But I didn’t want to cry now; I wanted to save it for the time when I tell her all that I have gone through my life. And if she wants to, she can ignore me then, but I want her to know about my feelings for her. She deserved to know after doing so much for me. I was a stranger in her eyes yet she cared for me in every way she could. She did her best, but it was my stupid brain that didn’t realize and pushed her away all this while.

After the school ended, I went to the Coffee shop. As I entered the shop the first thing I did was ask Mrs. Pattinson whether she found a diary around. I instantly got scared when she was staring at me. The last thing I wanted her to know was about her son’s sexuality that I had mentioned in my diary. I couldn’t care less about mine but Jamie and I had shared a secret that was supposed to be meant only between us. She then shook her head and I sighed in relief. While I was talking to Mrs. Pattinson I didn’t realize Ms. Evans had already entered the shop and was sitting in her usual seat. I walked to her wondering why didn’t she order her usual yet, but Ms. Evans only stared at me. Her aura radiated so many vibes, it was hard for me to get scared or be happy. Her eyes held so many emotions, I was trembling with fear. She could see right past me and I knew one thing that can make her know all my deepest secrets. With the corner of my eyes, I could see Jamie enter the shop. I was going to ask him about my diary, when I saw Ms. Evans search through her bag and take out that diary. It was the diary I had been looking for since yesterday, my diary that held my feelings for her and all the problems that had been troubling me. I could see Jamie smirk at me, but I stood their motionless. I couldn’t go and scream out to him for doing so, because he was the one who wanted to give my diary to Ms. Evans, he had been troubling me since the day I told him about my diary. And nor can I run away from Ms. Evans because she sat there right in front of me knowing all my secrets, fear, everything. She knew all about my family, and how I had been lying to her about my non-existent aunt. She knew why I was being called names by my fellow classmates, why they had been ignoring me and why I didn’t had any friends. She knew about me being a lesbian and having feelings for her. She knew it all. And it terrified me. In that moment, I could only wish that I hadn’t misplaced my diary yet and this was all just a fantasy. My eyes held tears but they wouldn’t fall, because it was me who was going to tell her about all of it and not wanting her to know about them by any stupid diary. I was waiting for her to stand up and slap me hard and scold me and then walk away from me. I could see all of them happening right in front of me when she slowly stood up, her eyes never leaving mine. My heart pumping hard, palms sweaty, my knees already giving in, I closed my eyes, waiting for the moment to blow up.