I miss him.
The nurses gave me his sweatshirt.
My world is grey without him
I can't bare the thought of him on the opposite side of the building, dying.
My life is slowly fading. depression taking over my mind. anorexia taking over my body. these days I have two things on my mind. him and suicide.
I've attempted many times. failing every attempt.
This morning is our 4 year anniversary.
I'm not even allowed to see him.
I woke up stretching. Susie, my new nurse looking to me and smiling.
Her phone rung and she had answered.
"Hello, Susie Japen speaking,"
Pause
"Yes,"
Pause
"Aw, she's gonna be so sad,"
Pause
"Okay talk to you there"
Susie turns to me, grabs the wheel chair and attaches my feeding tubes. I know exactly what happened on the phone and she knows it. she helps me into the chair and pushes me to his room.
"Hello Lexi," a man greets me "doctor philis."
He shakes my hand and shows me to my world.
My heart shatters as I see the love of my life lifeless and pale. I cry out in pain.
"How long?" I ask
"Not any longer than today," the doctor breaks to me.
I can't believe this is actually happening.
The doctor and Susie walk out to give us some space.
His eyes are puffy and out of the small slit open his usually bright blue eyes are grey and dull.
I wheel closer to him and put my hand on his. I rub his knuckles.
"Hey baby," I start "I love you, I hope you know that, I'm sorry about how I've been acting to you. baby you've been suffering too long. it's time to fly," I sob out and grip his arm "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you"
His arm shakes and his heart rate picks up. I look at his face. I wipe the tears falling on his cheeks.
"Don't cry my love, I can assure you, you'll be in good hands, god is a nice guy," I say sniffling and swallowing the lump in my throat, "you can sing with the angels and you will fit in perfectly, I promise that I will try to get better. I know it's what you would want,"
He was looking directly into my eyes.
"You," I chuckle " you always cared more about me then yourself, I admire you for that you know."
I get up and open his windows.
His eyes instantly brighten and I kiss his cheek.
"I know you said I could move on, but I don't know if I can to be honest. I might kill myself before I even have the chance. I know that probably worries you, but I just can't do it. I'm not strong without you. depression is taking over me nick. and I can't fucking stop it."
His hand reaches up and strokes my cheek as I cry out more.
"I want it to stop" I tell him "I can't do it,"
Nick grabs his phone from the counter and types something.
He shows me his phone screen.
I love you more than I did before. I love you more than I ever thought was possible, I will always stay with you. your my everything. stay strong for me. please please try to stay in this world. live my life lex, love me forever in your heart and remember me in your head. I know you want the depression to stop, baby it's killing me to watch you be in this pain. I love you baby girl, forever and always💝
"I love you," I kiss his lips "I will try for you, watch over me?"
Always :) 💕
He sucked in a breath and the straight line on his monitor told me he was gone. a shriek filled the room my sobs echoing and drowning me.
I can't believe I lost him.
