Saving The Gangsta

t w e n t y - t w o

t a y l o r

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There was never butterflies. Just fire.

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The concept of heaven and hell has always been something that litters on the tips of my thoughts.

God and the Devil.

And whether it exists or not.

My view?

We are each other's demons and angels.

We carry the same in our subconscious. And we've got to be careful in regards to which one we listen to.

Currently, my angels and demons are at conflict with one another.

One told me to run to Astrid and cherish her. To apologise for all the pain and heartache I'd put her through.

The other told me to kill her. To remove the threat before it's able to blossom.

I wanted to, but then I looked at her and I couldn't.

Her eyes were ice. Mesmerising but cold. Lifegiving and dangerous. This harsh collision of recklessness and relentlessness, refusing to be tamed.

Her lips were the soft ocean. Soft and sweet. Ever Changing but remarkably powerful. Just one taste reminded me of so many things. Of home, of childhood dreams, of loss, of love.

Her laughter was the rain. Beautiful, enchanting and soft. So fucking soft.

She terrified me.

The control she had over me. The pure lust my body was consumed with when I looked at her.

It's killing me.

And it's killing me even more that I can't have her.

I can't go against my sister. I can't side with a suspected traitor over my family.

Astrid was destroying everything bad in me, and I was destroying myself by staying with her.

And it's only a matter of time before destroying myself is no longer enough.

"You're making a mistake, you know." A voice hums from behind me.

I turn to see Shae staring at the sky before me. It seemed as though he had joined me on my balcony without me realising.

"Regarding?" The question slipped out, despite me already knowing the answer.

"You know what I'm talking about." His jaw locked, and he didn't look at me. "I did Jesse's night shift."

"And?"

"She had a nightmare." He says quietly, "The door was locked so I couldn't get in but she was screaming for her Mom. And when she woke up, she couldn't stop crying."

My chest contracted at his words, and I clenched my eyes shut in order to avoid physically reacting.

"You have to stop judging her for her parents. Hayden told me it was mercy kill." Shae scolds, disappointment lacing his tone. "I don't understand. Why are you so desperate to be away from her? What are you so scared of?"

"I'm not scared of anything." I insist, scoffing at him.

"Bull-fucking-shit. You're scared of her." He comments as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. "It's like you're scared she won't care about you back, or maybe you're scared of finally having a weakness. But it's too late for that, look at your fucking tattoo."