Until the very end

Five

We walk into a warm house and they meet us with open arms. Only I can't breathe because I'm standing right in front of Josh's mom and brother.

"Are you alright?"

"Kinda, the kids are alright though." Shit what have I said. "I'm sorry, I always make puns of his movies and now... shit I forgot for a second."

"It doesn't matter, it only shows us more how much of a fan you are." Michelle says with a kind smile.

I begin to tear up again.

"Sit down, please. Do you want some tea?" Michelle asks. I nod and Connor takes place next to me. He softly places a hand on my shoulder.

"It's okay, it's okay." He whispers. I immediately feel comfortable.

Michelle hands me my tea and I take a sip, it feels warm inside of me.

"So how are you doing?" Michelle asks me.

"You know, I'm handling things fine. I still can't believe it, though. But I understand it's way worse for you, I mean you really knew him..."

"Yeah..."

There's a silence where everyone is thinking about Josh and their loss and for a moment I feel connected to these people because we all share one thing, our loss.

"You still live in the same house!" I suddenly say to break the silence. "I watched a video of Josh where he showed mtv his crib, and it's still this house. This makes me so happy."

"You want me to lead you around?" Connor asks.

"If you don't mind?" I look over to Michelle and she nods.

I follow Connor upstairs to his and his parent's room.

"My mom and dad got divorced as you probably know and my mom got to keep this house. It's a huge house so when Josh and I moved out we still kept our rooms for whenever we would come back, with Christmas for example. She also kept them the way they were so we still have our childhood stuff in here, she just couldn't let go of them."

"I remember it from the video, it feels so weird to actually be in the house myself now."

"I understand. Come on, we'll go to my room."

We go to a room two rooms next to this one.

"O my god, weren't you in the video? You were playing a video game or something, is that right?"

"Yeah, I think I remember something like that. Wow, how do you remember all of this?" He laughs a little.

"I don't know, I've watched all of his videos so many times, I think I now them all by word."

"Holy shit, man. You really are the biggest fan ever."

"Whoops." I laugh.

"Are you ready to go to his room?"

I nod and follow Connor two stairs down to this huge playing room. I remember film posters of Josh hanging on the wall.

"O my god, the Oscar painting on the wall!" I touch it. Josh touched this. I tear up again. "Shit man, I'm an emotional wreck."

"We all are these days, it's okay." He gives me a shy hug.

"Are you ready to enter his room?"

"I don't know."

"You don't have to, you can come by tomorrow if you haven't left the city by then. I understand this all is so much to handle."

"You are so sweet, but I don't know if I should come by tomorrow. I mean I don't want to ruin your mourn moments and privacy."

"I talked to my mom before this and she agreed we owe you a lot to staying such a big fan of my brother. We would love to see you tomorrow again."

"Okay, I think that's a good idea. Thank you."