Forgetting Me

[ h o t c o c o a ]

"How about you go out?"

I glance up to my aunt, Nora, who was busy baking cookies. It's already July and I've already moved my stuff to apartment in Manhattan but I have yet to see my apartment personally since I'm in Burbank to spend time with Nora. She insisted that the best way to deal a loss is to be around with the people that cares.

I couldn't care less though. Liar, you care more than ever, you just don't want to get attached and hurt people again.

Stop.

I was still in the midst of the tremors of my memory, causing fear to swell in me that my shrink said that it was post traumatic syndrome. Fortunately I was now only flinching at the slightest unusual movement like sudden phones vibrating on top of the table or a pen rolling off the desk for no reason. It reduced to that from screaming episodes at night. I was lucky enough to leave that stage although scarred.

In all honesty, I just want to be in a coma.

I believe it's better for me to be in a coma than die. Why? Because if I take my life away here and then, then I'll pass my crippling sadness like a fucking domino and I want none of that shit. Being in a coma is like being dead but you're not. Instead you're just sleeping — isn't that what everybody wants? Sleep?

I'll have that shit. Pass it to me.

Suddenly green eyes flash in my mind, making me blink several times in confusion. What? Lately, a certain dork has been flooding my mind more than my deceased relatives. I sigh inwardly, this isn't some pathetic puppy love and I don't intend it. This summer is supposed to be 'getting me back' and not 'flirting people back.'

I don't say anything to Nora as she places her freshly baked cookies by the counter. She eyes me in anticipation as if she really thinks I took consideration of her suggestion. "I'm serious, June. It doesn't mean we're American citizens, I wouldn't be an Asian mom to you"

I internally groan. She's exactly like mom both in appearance and attitude.

"Okay." I timidly said as I stood up and fetch my bag as I head towards the front door.

"June!"

I turn around to glance up to Nora.

"Just be back by dinner. And while you're at it, I heard from... err, Mayla" at the name of her, I inhaled sharply. Fuck it, June. Calm the fuck down. "that you wanted a part time job...?"

I nodded, hesitating.

"Well, there's a café by the park, it's called 'café literaria' and I heard they're hiring" she smiled nervously.

She was giving me a chance to find some distraction, I knew it. Because one, my mother's sister is like my own mother — they don't really like they're kids working when they're still studying, regardless if it's summer. Two, I haven't left the house. Lastly, three, painting was becoming wasn't helping my case and she knew it. From my endless frustrated cries. I wince the memories.

"I'll give it a shot" I mumbled and nod her goodbye and walked outside.

• • • • • • •

After walking around aimlessly, I found the park nearby and took a seat on a park bench. Families were having fun, friends were making memories, Couples were flirting, children were running around, people were laughing and the breeze just went away by itself.

It seemed so peaceful.

I only wanted this- my family to be complete again, be with my friends or a person to be with, laughter ringing around me, people to indulge the moment with and a place where I can deem to be tranquil.