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4. "Me" - The 1975

MY NAME IS DAKOTA APOLLO PENNING, AND I AM 22 YEARS OLD. I HAVE 3 BROTHERS: GABRIEL, 30; JUDE, 28; WILLIAM, 25. MY MOTHER, DIANE, IS 46, AND MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER IS JAMES. HE DIED WHEN I WAS 1. ADAM, MY ADOPTED DAD, IS 48. ADAM AND DIANE MET WHEN I WAS 12, AND THEY MARRIED WHEN I WAS 15. GABE LIVES IN ROSWELL WITH HIS FIANCEE, CHRISTI. JUDE LIVES IN MIDTOWN. WILLIAM LIVES IN MONTANA WORKING FOR YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK. JAMES' ASHES ARE SPREAD THERE... SOMEWHERE. DIANE LIVES IN SANDY SPRINGS WITH ADAM.
DIANE HAS 2 SISTERS, LUCY AND sARAH. sARAH IS MARRIED TO MARCUS., AND THEY LIVE IN BUFORD. LUCY IS CURRENTLY LIVING IN EUGENE, OR. ADAM HAS ONE BROTHER, DAVID, AND HE LIVES IN MIAMI CURRENTLY. DIANE'S PARENTS, VIVIAN AND CHARLES, MOVED TO PORTLAND, OR. WHEN I WAS 10. JAMES DIDN'T HAVE ANY SIBLINGS, AND HIS PARENTS DIED A LITTLE AFTER DIANE AND HE GOT MARRIED WHEN DIANE WAS 16. ADAM'S PARENTS, JAMIE AND MICHAEL, LIVE IN SANDY SPRINGS AS WELL.
I LIVE WITH MY TWO BEST FRIENDS, OLIVE AND SELENE. JACOB, SELENE'S BOYFRIEND, JOINED THE PARTY LATE. OLIVE AND SELENE ARE BOTH 21, AND JACOB IS 23. I HAVE MY OWN ROOM. I SMOKE A PACK OF CIGARETTES A DAY, AND I SMOKE WEED WHEN I CAN. MY WALLS ARE OFF-WHITE. I HAVE A TAPESTRY THAT LOOKS LIKE TASTEFUL BLEACHED DENIM. IT HAS A WHITE MANDALA ON IT. I HAVE A QUEEN-SIZE BED WITH A KING-SIZE BLANKET.
I HAVE 6 TATTOOS. I HAVE MY EARS AND MY SEPTUM PIERCED. I WEIGH 167 POUNDS, AND I AM 5'2".
I AM DAKOTA APOLLO PENNING. I AM DAKOTA APOLLO PENNING. I AM DAKOTA APOLLO PENNING.

I stare down at my notebook, the page covered in scribbled, somewhat illegible handwriting. A tear falls on the paper, making "I am" bleed. I take a few deep breaths and set the notebook aside, my hands shaking. Dr. Hawthorne helped me find the best way to bring myself out of a panic attack: write down facts and only facts. Doing this helps me focus on the present and forces my brain to think only of reality - not my fears, not my emotions, not the past or the future. Just the present reality. I look down at my arms to see scratches, and I sigh and rub them. When I panic, sometimes my nails find my skin. Sometimes the scratches just turn into welts, sometimes they bleed, and sometimes they scar.
I can't help it.
    After a few moments, I walk out of my room and go outside to the porch. Selene is out there with Olive, and I wipe my face and sit in my chair. "Hey, you okay?" Selene sits up in her seat, her eyes wide with concern.
    "Yeah, I'm okay." I light a cigarette and pull my knees to my chest.
    Both Olive and Selene look at my arms, at each other, then at my face. "Did you have another attack?" Olive's voice is soft, quiet. I nod. "Aaron?" She asks, and I shake my head.
"Everything just kind of... hit me at once. I was in my room on the computer and just... it just hit. I don't know. I'm okay, though. Shaky, but okay." I take another deep breath, trying to focus on my body, on my breathing and my heart rate. Olive and Selene are very aware of my mental health and issues, seeing as they both struggle with their own. Not the same, but not very different, either. We all sit there, smoking (minus Olive) and watching the breeze rustle the leaves of the trees, the bees and butterflies bustling about.
"I think I need to be taken off the lease," I say without thinking, and I look up at the girls. Selene's eyes are wide, tears welling. Olive bites her lip and plays with her anklet.
"What, why? Are you leaving? Where are you going? Who are you moving in with?" Selene's voice is erratic, her chest visibly moving as her breathing picks up pace.
"I think... I think I'm going to go away for a while. I might go visit my grandparents and Lucy for a while, and then go visit Will."
"I thought Will was coming back...?" Olive's eyes find mine, and I shake my head.
"He texted me yesterday letting me know he was going to stay out in Montana. I thought he was coming back, too." Will and I have always been immensely close. Not only are we the closest in age, but Will and I have been through many similar things together. When he left for Montana, I felt a piece of me go with him. Things haven't been the same since he left, and when he told me he was staying out there, I cried. I had been looking forward to him coming back home since before he even left, and now... "I have money saved up, so I can help you guys out with bills if you need it."
"We used to take care of this apartment with just the three of us, so it shouldn't be a problem money-wise." Olive turns her anklet the proper way.
"Olive, no. What are you saying? Dakota just said she's leaving. Are you- am I the only one upset?" Selene looks over at me. "What if you need money o-or your car breaks down? Are you going to drive? That's literally a cross-country trip. You can't leave, Dakota. I don't want you to." Selene and I have always been close as well. We lived down the street from each other - seven houses away, to be exact - so from the moment we met to now, we've practically spent every day together. I remember going out to Oregon for a family vacation, and Selene barely knew what to do with herself - because we always hung out. Always.
"Selene... I need to get away for a while. Not because of anything you've done - or anything anyone's done, matter of fact. I just... want more than Kennesaw, more than the same stop signs and stores and roads."
"Moving to Canton could do that for you, and you'd be significantly closer." Selene's nose is pink, and her lip is quivering. I feel tears burn my eyes - I'm such a fucking crybaby, especially when I see other people crying - and I can't help but smile. "I want to do something for myself, Selene. I want to see the world I've been so desperate to see. I want to experience things on my own - truly on my own. I'm not in school anymore, so..." I shrug, putting out my cigarette in the ashtray.
Selene stays quiet for a while. She smokes another cigarette in silence. Olive stays quiet, too. I know their minds are going a million miles an hour, but they stay quiet. If I closed my eyes, I'd forget they were there. "You know what?" Selene blows out the smoke in a shaky breath, wiping her cheeks and jaw. "I love you, and I want you to be happy. If that means... if that means going, then I want you to go. I want you to finally do something for yourself. You've never done anything purely for yourself, and I want you to." She sniffles, and a bright smile runs across her features. "Besides, maybe you'll find a really hot mountain man. Think about the muscles and the strength."
Olive shakes her head, holding in a laugh, but I let myself laugh - a hearty, happy laugh. "You're ridiculous," I say, and Selene grins.
"You know you're thinking about it, too. And he'll dress nice and have a shit ton of tattoos and he'll l have a massive--"
"Oh my god!" Olive folds her legs in the chair as she leans over, laughing.
"Beard! I was going to say beard." Selene feigns innocence, her hands up at her sides.
"Yeah, oh-kay." I grin and light another cigarette.

❧

    The roommates and I agreed to take me off the lease, and after doing the math, they agreed that I wouldn't need to give them anything other than my share of the rest of the bills for the month. I already had it set aside, so I gave the money to Selene to hold on to.
    I told Mom what I was doing, and she was excited for me. She prefers that I fly, but I told her, "Part of the whole adventure is getting in my car and going." She agreed and said nothing more about the matter. Adam gave me money and made me promise I'd regularly check in with Mom so she doesn't have a heart attack. I agreed.
    Work didn't want to see me leave, either. All the girls at the restaurant were sad -  even the guys in the kitchen were sad - and the girls wanted to throw some sort of "going away" party. I declined, but I did manage to get my shifts covered.
    I'd called my Grandma Viv and let her know I was most likely going to be in the area for a little while. She had a billion and a half questions for me, and I patiently answered them all. She's always been a talker, and I've never minded.
    Gabe and Jude came over to Mom's the night before I was leaving, and we all had a movie night. I hadn't seen them in a while (other than graduation,) so it was nice to be able to cut up and catch up with them. I could tell Mom was trying hard not to cry all night, but in the morning when she walked me out to my car, she saw all my things in the back, and she started crying.
    It is 6:30 in the morning on the 29th of May. Mom made me a giant mug of coffee to take with me. Pulling out of her driveway, watching her wave me off in her fluffy robe, her long pajama pants that are inside out - she says they're softer that way - and her hair in a short ponytail, my heart begins to ache. Of course, I've never been out on my own, especially travelling. I'm scared, nervous, anxious... but I'm also excited, optimistic, and ready. That's the best word to explain myself: ready.
    With my music on, my windows down, and my GPS mounted on my dash, I turn off of the road I've always found comfort on, light a cigarette, and ready myself. It's going to be a long drive.