Dying to know

My way

This was the first time I dreaded going to Frank. Today wasn't going to be such a downer like last time but the room seemed tainted now. Tainted by that stupid third attempt.

That session seemed to go on for hours. Frank wanted to know everything about the attempt. What happened right before, right after and everything in between. He wanted to know my thoughts, feelings and actions and I left feeling emotionally raw. The first two sessions had been nice and sometimes even funny thinking about my failures. Last time was obviously different.

"Mila?" Frank said after he'd opened the door. I'd been drowning in my own thoughts so I hadn't seen him. Okay, bad choice of words.

"Yeah, coming," I grabbed my coat clumsily and went inside and plopped myself down on the chair.

"How have you been? Last session wasn't easy," Frank started. Right, not a big fan of small talk. He always dived back in.

"It definitely sucked," I stated bluntly. "Anyway, it happened over a year ago, it's not like I got home and cried. I'm over it," I told Frank. I did, however, felt kinda sad afterwards. I didn't feel like telling him though.

He'd search something behind it, something that wasn't there. I had water coming from my fucking ears and throat. Of course I didn't like it.

"We've created a habit of discussing one suicide attempt each session. This is the fourth time we've met-"

"You're wondering how many more?" I interrupted him. I'd also created the habit of interruping him. He didn't seem to mind.

He didn't answer but kept looking at me which caused me to talk again. God, I hated those silences.

"A few," I said, deep in thought. "After the water incident, I started with another approach."

"Care to elaborate?" Frank asked me while opening my file and grabbing something to write. I'd peaked his interest even though it wasn't as spectacular as he was probably hoping it would be.

"That attempt... it kinda changed me. I felt weird afterwards. I never meant to torture myself. I want a quick and easy way out. I didn't want to go like that," I posed. "It took me a few months before I tried something else. I wasn't going to rush into anything. I had time. Time to do this the right way. My way," I explained.

"Even my colleagues noticed something was up with me. I'm not a sulky or serious person. So, I decided to wait until I felt like myself again."

"Anyway, one afternoon I had a presentation where I pitched some ideas to businessmen whom I didn't like. They were stiff and formal, bleh. The presentation went well though, so my boss Jada and I went for celebratory drinks afterwards," I told my shrink.

"Jada is also your friend if I remember correctly," Frank said.

"We have the same kind of humor and she's just one of those people with whom I had this instant click. The moment we met we knew we we're gonna work fine together," I explained briefly. "Obviously, I don't tell her everything. Ultimately, she's still my boss and even though we keep our professional and private life separately, sometimes these lines tend to blur."

"That day, after the work was done, we went to a bar to celebrate. First we talked about our clients and joked about work but after a few wines you start talking about other stuff," I said with a faint smile on my face. Jada always made me laugh til tears were streaming down my face.

"You know how it goes, you start goofy but at one point you suddenly wind up having a serious conversation. She told me her father-in-law just got diagnosed with cancer. Lung cancer, stage four. He didn't have long to live. Her husband had stopped working so he could spend as much time with his dad as possible. It was rough on her. She had to take care of their kid, go to work and do laundry and all that other shit around the house." She needed that wine. She needed it more than we both had realized. She couldn't really complain to her husband because he was suffering enough and she didn't have many friends because she works long hours.