Dying to know

Ethical bullshit

"There's only so much research you can do," I ranted to Frank.

"People aren't really committed. All the methods you can use are bland. I mean, pretty much every website suggests the same methods. But why? I consider myself to be a creative person and after so many failed attempts I figured I had to do it my own way. The Mila-way. Maybe people would actually refer to it that way," I explained.

Frank hadn't asked about Dr. Cancer. I think we both silently agreed that chapter was closed. Unless he wanted to talk about him in our later sessions. Frank and I seemed to be stuck in the intake phase. Every time he figured it had to be the last attempt, I told him another one. I was almost certain he was gonna interrupt me soon, telling me I didn't have to continu explaining everything. He'd run out of patience.

Although, Frank didn't seem like the guy to run out of patience. Even when my thoughts leaped from one subject to the other. My stories never went from A to B, they took a few detours and sometimes I never even arrived at B.

"Easier said than done. Apparently my brain is creative except when it comes to this. Probably another survival mechanism. Damn those. Anyway, after a long brainstorm I watched this movie where a guy was using a nailgun," I smirked.

"If I shot myself in the head with it, people would totally understand! 'Oh typical Mila, she was being clumsy with a nail gun' and then they'd shake their heads," I said while Frank listened intently.

"I wasn't being impulsive with this one. After that thought, I went to my laptop for some research. Then I read about this dude called Phineas Gage who actually survived something like that. Obviously, that would happen to me too," I rolled my eyes.

"If I remember correctly, Phineas survived but his personality had changed permanently because of it," Frank added.

"True! And that's not what I want. So I ignored that idea pretty quickly," I shrugged. "Oh and did you know that decapitating yourself was a trend once? Yeah, no idea how to do that. Probably by using a guillotine but that's not something I have in my closet somewhere. I even thought about going to the zoo and let the animals kill me but that could be slow and painful. And the poor animal would get shot afterwards," I pouted.

I mean, what if I went to a lion and he just ate so he'd be like 'oh well, maybe a small snack' but in the middle of hurting me, he'd get tired of it? And I liked animals. They shouldn't die because I wanted to be a snack.

"Seems like you had a routine; brainstorm, research and action," Frank told me while I was thinking about animals.

"That was exactly my routine. It's how I do my job. We brainstorm, do some research, we narrow it down to a few ideas and pitch them" I explained, "It's a method I've been using for years and it works for me."

"Where was I heading with this story? Right! I guess it's time to talk about Marcus," I told the therapist in front of me. His eyes shot up to mine and I could tell he was confused.

"Marcus?" he asked.

"It was surprisingly easy finding Marcus. I figured you had to go the a shady part of town, talk to a few people and eventually, after cracking some kind of code, I'd find him. Once again, I have a way too active imagination," I snorted.

"Internet really makes everything easy to find. Now, I gotta say, I was really excited for this one but I'm not sure whether I can call this an attempt because eventually I didn't go through with it. So, I can skip this story, I guess?" I asked Frank.

"We can talk about Marcus. It could be useful hearing why you didn't go through with that particular plan," Frank opted with his diplomatic answer. Obviously he wasn't gonna confess how curious he was but I knew. I could see it in his eyes.