Dying to know

Scared to death

How long had I been in therapy? How long had I known Frank? It seemed like an eternity ago when I first stepped into his office. His charming, yet serious expression telling me I was welcome to talk about anything I'd want to.

I'd told my sister I'd give it a shot. And I had. Have I changed my mind? Not at all. Sure, this wasn't the end of therapy, in fact it was only starting. But jeez, my patience was wearing thin.

Therapy was so serious. I didn't like it. I didn't like telling stories I'd buried deep inside of my brain. I'd locked them up forever so I could pretend they'd never happened. Frank had asked me to unlock them, which made everything come back at the same time.

I didn't need fixing. I wasn't a mentally unstable person. I just had an unusual goal in life; to end it. Is that so strange?

Okay, yes it is. For other people it's weird. For me, it's reality.

I still needed that drink. I couldn't really ask anyone else. I didn't have a friend with whom I deeply connect with. I have a few superficial friends but I didn't feel like seeing them again.

At one point, I even considered Dr. Cancer but I didn't want to give him the wrong idea.

I had a few missed calls from my sister but decided to ignore them. I definitely did not want to get into that. I'd texted her I didn't have time to talk just so her head wouldn't go into overdrive or jump to conclusions. She'd be at my door in no time.

Suddenly, I figured out what to do with the rest of my day; go to the office. I had the keys and the code so the alarm wouldn't go off. In my first years, I often worked overtime because once I'm in a flow, I don't want to be interrupted by anything else. So I often worked late.

There was another big project coming up and I hadn't had the time to work on it yet. It seemed like the perfect way to get my mind off of things.

After I grabbed my coat, I jumped into the car. First I checked if I had some snacks left in my car because I was probably gonna get hungry at one point.

When all was set, I hit the gas and arrived at work in no time.

I turned the key and punched in the four digits so the alarm wouldn't go off. It was quiet in the building. All of my colleagues had gone home to their families which basically meant I could get creative all over the place.

I had a tendency of making a mess everywhere, not just my own desk. Now, I had the opportunity to make the entire floor my bitch.

Searching for the right file took me a while. Eventually I found it somewhere on Jada's desk.

"Hello?" I heard suddenly. I shreeked and jumped up, hitting my knee in the process.

"Damnit Len, you scared the shit out of me!" I sighed in relief when I saw the janitor in front of me.

"I scared you? You scared me! I wasn't expecting anyone so late. I was about the call the police," Len explained.

Poor old Len, being scared to death by a young woman who only wanted to do her job.

"Sorry, Len. Didn't mean to scare you. Next time, I'll make a few pigeon noises when I arrive so you know I'm here," I teased.

"You do that, crazy girl," Len answered while shaking his head. "How've you been?"

"Oh you know, the usual," I lied. He was just being polite. People rarely ask that questions out of real curiosity or concern. "You?"

"Same old, same old," he grunted a little. Len was almost retiring and he usually had these back pains. Poor thing. He once told me a lot about his life during my evening brainstorms in the office.

I think maybe he missed the contact. Always being alone here in the building seemed quite lonely.

It hurt a little bit telling him I needed to get on with my work, leaving him to do his work again.

"Sure, see you around," I uttered and went back to another desk he'd been cleaning.

Once he was gone, I could focus on the file again. It didn't take long for the ideas to come but when I did my research, a lot of it had been done already. I wanted to come with something new and innovative for the client.

The bar was set pretty high and I couldn't seem to reach it. Pretty soon, my mind was blocked. I'd ran out of ideas. I hate when that happens. Even when you're in a flow, it could change from one minute to another.

Boom.

Done.

Goodbye ideas.

What usually helped me was talking to Jada or colleagues but nobody was there. Even Len had gone out of sight.

I knew the ideas were inside of my head. It felt like an itch I couldn't reach to scratch. It irritated me and made me nervous. I tried to relax because I'd learned years ago that pushing it definitely didn't work.

There was only one thing that could actually distract me from this but I wasn't allowed to do so.

Fuck it.

I went back to my computer and started researching. I hadn't done this in such a long time that it felt a little weird starting again. Maybe there were some new sites or articles I hadn't read yet and suddenly my curiosity was sparked.

Maybe I'd suddenly find the perfect way to end this life. Bummer I had to save it for later because I'd promised Frank not to do anything while I was still in therapy.

My muscles finally started to relax when I got back into my research flow. It was like an old friend I'd missed. We were busy catching up.

"Mila? My shift is over. You okay staying here?" Len asked.

"Mila?"

"Mm, what? Yes! Sorry, I was concentrating," I said, feeling busted. This was such a private thing for me so it really seemed like I just got caught masturbating. Luckily, he couldn't see my screen.

"No, I'm fine. Go home! You deserve it after cleaning up all of our messes," I grinned.

"You sure you're okay?" Len asked again. There was a concerned look on his face.

"Positive," I smiled softly, "now go home, old man," I winked.

"Alright, see ya!" Len shouted but he was already halfway through the door. I didn't bother saying it back, he wouldn't have heard me anyway.

After almost getting caught, I closed my browser. I knew I was alone but the researching mood stopped as soon as it had come.

It was time to get back to my work anyway. This evening wasn't nearly as productive as I'd hoped it would be.

Unfortunately, I got frustrated quite early. I figured the ideas would start coming after researching, they Always did, but the inside of my head was empty. There was a monkey playing an instrument stuck in my head and it ate my brains.

Once I started drawing that monkey, I pushed everything aside.

I paced a few seconds, my mind muddled with thoughts.

"Fuck it," I whispered to myself.

In a steady pace I went towards the elevator and went to the roof.

This was one method I hadn't tried yet. I wasn't comfortable with heights but figured I'd make an exception.

The wind blowing through my hair made it less scary, it almost seemed like I was at the beach.

The only thing I needed to do was close my eyes and jump into the water. Everything would be fine after that.

Frank's stupid voice was holding me back.

But I guess I was feeling stubborn.