two sides | sekai

heads (5)

by the end of this year,
i want to be free of this pain,
because i honestly do not know
how much longer i can carry it
before it crushes me.
i am not saying that i do not want to
love you or think of you anymore -
i am just saying that i do not want it
to hurt like this forever.
i want to achieve a state of peace
within myself where i can accept
that it is over and be grateful
for all that we had together.
i want to be able to look back on it
with only fondness for the memories
we shared without this
terrible pain and longing.
i do not regret anything and i never will.
i do not want to hate you
or forget you
or pretend we never happened.

i just want to be free.

i just want to be happy again.

the early winter wind showed no mercy. the wind was sighing and thrashing in the tree tops and the boughs moaned. the morning was cold and wet with a brisk wind sweeping the rain across sehun's lawn. a curtain of rain beat down from the sky.

the day did not appear any unusual. in fact, it was as average as they came. sehun woke up to the sound of his windows rattling due to the powerful breeze that came along with the chilly weather that took his neighbourhood by storm. he went about his day, following his normal routine. people usually despise routines. some desperately try to break the chain; make a change. but sehun found peace in the most mundane things. he hated excitement and he especially hated unfamiliarity.

but kim jongin had changed that part of him. it was as though he had erased the one section of the whiteboard which was filled with negative words that brought pain and misery and instead,  filled it with positive words that gave one hope and courage. maybe that was why sehun refused to believe what he found waiting at his doorstep, taunting him.

a cadet blue post-it threatened to fly away in the face of the unrelenting wind but fortunately, long slender fingers caught it in time. they say words can express feelings and emotions actions cannot. this was the only thing kim jongin believed, which was why he left behind a simple note for the boy that showed him something he never once thought was possible.

i just want to thank you,
not just for being in my life
and for sticking around,
but for showing me that
even broken things
can be loved.

two loaded words that read "thank you" were the only things kim jongin had left behind for sehun. they were written in the most broken handwriting that screamed pain and loneliness.

i hope you find someone that loves the face you make
when you wake up in the morning. and i hope that person
stops you from running to the bathroom to fix yourself
before they can even peek at you. i hope they tell you how
beautiful you are, not just in the way you look but in the
way you hold their hands and laugh at their jokes. i hope
you find someone who sends you messages when they do
not know whether to get you coffee or tea. and i hope that
person shares their cookies with you when they only have
one left in the jar. i hope they buy you a pizza when you are
having a crappy day and listen to you complain about the
scripts in television shows that did not go according to your
ways. i hope you find you find someone whose kisses make
you forget you were upset in the first place. and i hope that
person holds you like one would hold an antique vase. i hope
the first thing they see in a crowd is your face and i hope they
find you in everyone else they meet. i hope you find someone
that will give you the wings to soar and i hope this person
decides to fly with you. i hope you find someone that really
deserves you as much as you deserve them.
i hope you find that person.

i am sorry that it was not me.

what sehun never found out was that kim jongin wrote him letters which spoke words that he couldn't verbally express. but it was a shame because they never once found their way to the boy they were addressed to.

i wonder what it is like
to wake up and love yourself
to look in the mirror and not want to cry
to get through the day without constantly feeling worthless
to go out of your house and breathe in the fresh air
to come back in and smile because your day was just what you wished for

i just wonder
what it is like to love your life.

memories of kim jongin flashed by in sehun's mind. they were not the happy moments. neither were they the agonising moments. they were moments when he caught kim jongin staring at him from across the road through his bedroom window. like when jongin refused to leave the house to visit the grocery store down the street with sehun. like when he would spend time studying the little blue notes on jongin's desk while the said male was showering in the bathroom. like when they would both sit in silence, neither daring to utter a single word so as to not interrupt the conversation they had through their eyes.

it finally hit sehun that kim jongin had never been fully present; been fully with sehun. his mind had always been wandering, looking for ways he could escape. and today, at last, he had finally found his way out. his way out of life.

i tried really hard,
i promise,
but one day i woke up
and i just could not
handle it anymore.

i love you oh sehun.

----

HELLO FOR THE LAST TIME !!

so.... two sides is over. wow.

i'll never get over the fact that people actually liked this book because i felt so vulnerable posting my own creation for the public to see. i am so thankful for each and every one of you who bothered to comment on my story because looking through them ended up being my favourite thing to do during the day.

i really really really hope you guys enjoyed this book as much as i enjoyed writing it. i'm honestly a sucker for heartbreaking sad stories. i know some of you wanted a happy ending but i actually only started writing this because i wanted to try my hand at a sad ending.

well, do not lose hope because the sequel - "two sides - tails" will be coming soon.... i hope !!!

it's funny how i thought i'd have so much more time once my exams end and now they have but i'm 1000x times more busy. so i'm really sorry in advance if i end up taking a while to post the sequel. i only have the first chapter and an outline for the rest of the chapters ready now :"((

as always, please vote if you liked the story and do feel free to comment if you have any remarks or anything in general :"))

love you guys ♡

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