All This Time

Shiver

I watched him crumble into a broken, helpless man, while I struggled to find the right words to comfort him. Everything he revealed earlier about Violet told me how much he loved her and it broke my heart twice over to see him in this kind of pain. This reminded me of my dad shaking and crying when my knee bled after falling off my very first bike ride. I couldn't begin to imagine what RJ must felt like after hearing everything the doctor said. He buried his face in his hands, as he succumbed to the sad reality he'd have to face. All I could do was gently stroke his back and stay with him until his sobs turned to quiet tears. He leaned onto me, as he cried it out. I let him hold on to me at this moment of weakness, because once we got out of that room, I was 101% sure he'd put his brave face on.

A few minutes later, I felt he got heavier, then he started snoring softly on my lap. My poor RJ fell asleep crying. But even in sleep, the lines on his forehead and the wrinkle between his brows could not deny his worries in life. I gently kissed each line and wrinkle, and to my surprise, his face began to relax. I looked at his peaceful face and thought about how with everything he'd been through, one would think he'd get some reprieve after so many years. But no. It seemed like the universe was hell-bent on letting him take on everything it could possible throw at him. Yaya Virgie found me gently stroking his hair when she walked in. She immediately turned emotional at the sight of the boy she'd taken cared of almost all his life. She quietly sat beside me, then Kuya Erik walked in with two duffel bags and sat by the door.

"Ngayon lang ba sya nakatulog?" Yaya Virgie whispered.

"Naidlip naman po kami kanina pero sandali lang po, kaya hayaan na lang po muna natin sya."

She nodded.

"Alam mo, Maine iha, nung pumunta kami noon sa Amerika, sa lahat ng pinasyalan namin, wala syang bukambibig kundi 'sana andito si MengMeng,' 'magugustuhan to ni MengMeng,' 'ano kayang ginagawa ni MengMeng.' Ikaw at ikaw lang ang naalala nya. Kahit nung lumaki na sya, kapag may mga kaklase sya noon na pumupunta sa bahay, pinagyayabang nya yung litrato mo at sinasabi nya na ikaw daw ang girlfriend nya! Syempre naiinggit mga kaklase nya kasi paanong magkaka-girlfriend Grade 5 lang sila non? Napakayabang nya pagdating sa'yo."

I chuckled at the thought of a gradeschooler RJ talking about having a girlfriend.

"Alam naman nating pareho na napakamasayahing bata nyang kaibigan mo. Pero nung nag-high school sya, madalas na syang napa-away. Yun pala, dinaramdam na nya yung taning ng Mommy nya. Tapos nung nawala nang tuluyan ang Mommy nya, wala na syang kinausap, kahit ako o ang daddy nya. Sa kwarto lang sya umiyak. Akala nya siguro hindi ko nadinig, kaya kunwari na lang hindi ko alam. Wala syang gustong kausapin noon. Pero nung nadinig nyang kausap ng Daddy nya ang Mommy at Daddy mo, lumapit sya at pinatanong kung andun ka daw ba."

I didn't realize that my tears were falling until one landed on RJ's cheek. I carefully wiped it before it woke him up.

"Pero wala ka yata non, nasa school ka ba? O bakit ka umiiyak? Susmaryosep namang bata ito bakit ba kasi ako nagkukwento pa."

"It's okay Yaya Virgie. I'm sorry, it's really just been a very emotional night." I wiped my tears and held RJ's arm tighter to keep him from falling off of my lap, then took a deep breath.

"I was there, Yaya. Mom asked me if gusto kong makausap si RJ, pero tinamaan ako ng pride. Highschool na ako non, pero yung tampo ko, parang 5 years old pa rin ako. So hindi ko sya kinausap. Nagkulong ako sa room. I didn't know na ganun na kalala yung pinagdadaanan nya."

"Haaaay. Wala na syang ibang kinausap non, hanggang na-cremate ang Mommy nya. Halos ibagsak nya ang lahat ng subjects nya. Muntik na syang hindi naka-graduate ng high school, pero napakiusapan ng Mommy mo yung mga teachers nya. Pero pagkatapos non, wala, tuluyan na syang nawalan ng gana sa buhay, lalo na nung bumalik dito ang parents mo, habang yung daddy nya, parang natulala na lang."