. . . So, please don't think I'm pretending because of panctuations I'm using, but this is how I express my feelings. Please, understand. I know some people will judge me. I just need to let it out.
Now, you must be wondering about the title. It's about my last publish in this book. About my rant, about God. Well, I don't know why I did that, honestly.
I'm so broken. It's hard. I'm just waiting for it to turn Monday, so I could tell someone about this. I get angry more than usual, I'm having some sort of tantrum, or that's how I can call it, in my mind. I wanted to disappear. I thought that if I become free, I'll cry and have an aura that I don't want. If I become sad, the aura is also there.
Honestly, I used to love the feeling of depression. Now that I think I have it, I'm confused.
I have this chaos in my mind. I feel caged. Like, even a small move, I feel like I'm being watched, or judge. Like right now. I'm being careful of typing, because my family is around. And, hearing their voice right now, their laugh, I'm shaking. I can't go anywhere, I don't live in a type of house to have a place I can be alone. Earlier, I searched for the symptoms of anxiety disorder, and some symptoms, I don't have it. I don't know if I'm suffering under a disorder, because I've been thinking about that for a while now. If something is wrong with me.
I, can't go to church tomorrow. I don't want to. Right now, I'm just on my bed, typing away with earplugs in my ear. Even music doesn't help now, I just want to cry. But I can't, I can't let my family know. I don't kmhave much people to tell this to, and, I'll admit that wattpad is my getaway thing at home. My phone is. But my family always snoop at it. I'm just so lucky right now that they don't notice this.
I have five friends that are away from me. I have only two friends at school that I can trust. But I won't be seeing them until Monday. I can't message them about it, because my family will see it. I have one trustworthy friend at church, but she's not the type to understand this feelings inside me. I'm so helpless. I have so many things to say, but I can't express it too much.
I just smile, to hide it. At our practice in church today, I wasn't able to focus. I was sweating too much, more I usually do. Even if I just stay in one place, I feel so uneasy. I don't know what to do right now. Does someone know what I'm dealing with? I'm so desperate to cry, to hurt myself. I want to disappear, because my back feels so heavy, I'm carrying too much.
My anger adds up. I had a thing where I want to cry when I'm angry. I don't know what's happening. I can't cry now. At school, I like someone. But he's also adding up to my sadness, even if he doesn't do anything. I don't want him to see me cry, I'm so pathetic.
I have so many things to deal with. I don't want to commit suicide, but I wanna hurt myself. If only my friends are here to help me, but they're not here.
Bye.
