Like Space

He'll be better off without me, anyway.

Dan POV

Phil: That wouldn't ruin it, any time spent with you is worthwhile

I'd be lying if I said my chest didn't flutter a bit at the words. In fact, I read them a few times simply because I could.

Then returned to my research. I told Phil I had a few articles to write before we could hang out this weekend, but I had already finished the one I still had on my plate and had sent it in this morning. My real goal - and I'd made sure to put the amber ring back on before lying about it - was to do some research on all this magical non...stuff. Quit calling it nonsense, obviously some of it is real. It was such a huge part of Phil's life, and I wanted to understand it better. Maybe impress him a bit, since he expected me to know absolutely nothing about it.

The first things that caught my eye were some sites detailing the uses of various herbs and crystals. I tried - really tried - to read through them, but it was like rote memorization, so I tried a new search - 'psychic'. I didn't know if that's exactly how Phil described himself, but the word was vague enough that I figured I could at least get going in the right direction.

There were a lot of ads for nearby psychics promising to read my future, palm readings and tarot readings and the like. Then I saw an online version of the tarot reading - one of those game-style ones where you ask a question and click to pick a card, or ask it to read your future.

"What the hell," I said, shrugging and giving it a click. I chose the basic fortune option, which would give me three cards - a past, present, and future. It wanted me to 'define the timeframe', so I opted for the past month, this month, and the next month; precise enough, but not too specific.

"Ooookay, here goes nothing," I clicked the 'draw' button, and the first card flipped to reveal the Chariot card. I wasn't entirely sure of it's meaning, but I noticed a small plus button that expanded into a brief description. "Completion and triumph," I read aloud to my empty apartment. "I guess that's accurate, I mean, I did finally finish the longer piece I was writing for that blog site." I nodded, then, and clicked 'draw' again.

"Okay, this month. The Ace of Wands," I clicked on the plus, reading through the description, "artistic inspiration and masculine creative energy? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I reread the brief description, eyebrows furrowed. Could it be...talking about Phil? I thought on it for a moment. He had helped me finish my article, with whatever magic he had done, I suppose. And he certainly gave off some...masculine energy.

Though I wasn't entirely convinced, I clicked for the final card. The Death card stared back at me from the screen, and I was suddenly reeling. Am I...going to die? I had never admitted it to anyone, but I had gone through a really rough time shortly after leaving home. I'd done my best to bury the evidence of that abysmal spiral, but makeup wasn't permanent, and the scars wouldn't ever fully disappear.

In shock, I closed out of the page. Then all the other tabs that I'd had open for research. Despite myself, I could feel the doubt creeping in. All the you aren't good enough's and the everyone hates you's that I thought I'd put behind me were resurfacing. Was that article really any good? I'd been so distracted with Phil, I'd barely even proofread it before sending it in...

And now you know all this shit is real, Phil proved it, the thought wandered in with the rest of my self-hatred, which means you'll be dead by the end of next month. That one sentence froze every other thought in its tracks. Phil...if he likes me so much...I have to distance myself. I can't let him get hurt once I'm gone...

---------------------------------------

I never responded to Phil's text. I couldn't bring myself to say a word to him, not after that revelation. The truth was, I had been sitting in a dark silence for nearly twenty-four hours pondering my inevitable demise. He'll be better off without me, anyway.