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// il·lu·sion; false idea or belief.
"he had the illusion that she was in love"
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It's hard for Casey to remember a time where he felt wanted.
He knows he must have felt it some time in his life; he can describe it perfectly fine. It feels like being wrapped in a warm blanket when it's below freezing. It also feels like an abstract painting he doesn't understand.
Wanting, however, is so familiar to Casey that she could write a dissertation on it. He aches with every part of his being for Mora. His entire heart bends towards her like she's the sun and he is a starved flower on the verge of wilting. Every time Mora laughs, it feels like another twist in the knife lodged under his ribs: desperately painful, but not fatal, so he gets to die slowly and torturously. It's not like he doesn't deserve it.
The worst part of all is the hope. The grey area of what they are: a little too close for friends, but not quite involved enough to be lovers.
There just texts, with no significance - nothing more, nothing less.
Casey reassures himself every night as he presses his phone flat against his chest and pushes, hard, trying to bury the emptiness he feels. Yet he can't help thinking that he'd rather walk on hot coals than be left floating, uncertain of when it will end and where to go next.
And it's not Mora's fault - she's busy. They all are; with exams just around the corner, studying has become more rigorous and tiring, leaving no time for them to get romantically involved. And yet it feels like he's being left behind, ignored, dismissed. There's always something that's a little more important than Casey, and no amount of 'I love yous' can erase that notion in his mind.
Because as much as he wants to believe Mora when she says she loves him, he knows that there's no love in this world for someone like him.
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-Alex :/
