The whole day, while at the Curtis's, Pony kept giving me uncomfortable looks and I don't know...I couldn't take it anymore.
I went to the bathroom...I threw water on my face. When I returned to the mirror. All I saw was sadness...I felt sorry for myself. I've never felt sorry for myself. I felt hurt, and realized if the mask I put on would last any longer. After that, I cried. I haven't cried in so long, it felt weird when I finally did.
I walked back into the living room and Carl's eyes were on me. He had this hard expression on his face, and his cold green eyes were just bearing on me, as if he wanted to choke me.
My heart pounded harder and I looked across the floor nervously.
I rushed outside and lit another cigarette. I couldn't take Pony looking at me, and I couldn't take Carl staring at me as if he was gonna burst at any second.
It was chilly, my leg shaking as the cold air blew straight through me. I put the cigarette in between my lips and inhaled the cancerous air in my lungs.
One day... I'm gonna die. And no one's ever gonna have to worry about me. Carl won't put his hands on me...because I'll be dead. You can't hurt a dead person.
I think vaguely. I think about Pony. All he ever wants to do is protect me. I just couldn't tell him, I couldn't.
He'd be hurt, and I know he couldn't handle it.
I don't know...sometimes I feel like I let people down, even those who really love me and just wanna help me. I let those people down the most. I don't wanna cry, then I feel a tight knot in my throat, and I don't think I can hold it in any longer. I burst into sudden cold tears.
I feel a hand on my shoulder. I try to suck it up and hold it in, but they just keep overflowing.
“Oh, suck it up Ginger.” I hear this hard, cold, heartless, bastard say as if he was reading my mind.
“Why are you crying? You tryna embarrass me?!”
I wanna cry harder, but it'd be best not to.
“You know when we came here, I was trusting you not to fuck shit up, and now you're over here crying like the dumb bitch you are. Suck it up Ginger.”
I tighten up and I try not look at his eyes. “You...fucking retard.” I don't even say anything, cause he's said much worse.
But, then I feel a hard nudge on my back, I lose my balance. I feel like everything happened so fast, my life must've flashed before my eyes.
I look around, and I'm lying in the dirt beneath the Curtis's porch. I don't cry. I barely hurt, accept the old bruising on my bones.
I don't say anything. I just sit there. I don't even think I can move. Unfortunately, I'm very much alive at this moment.
I'm just too stiff and stubborn to move or even say anything. I don't know if I even deserved this lifestyle. I don't know if I deserved to be hurt everyday. If I deserved to cry at times. I don't know if I deserved any of this. I'll admit, my past isn't the best. I've broken the law at times. I've gotten busted for doing so. I've cheated at times and lost the ones I loved because of it. I've been too drunk to feel anything before, and people hated me for it. I'm not perfect. My holes are pretty big. Maybe I did deserve to be pushed around and hurt and choked weak.
I've never hurt Carl before. In the beginning of our relationship, I loved him because I thought he was the one.
I wanted to marry Carl. When he had nearly choked me one night, because he caught me flirting with some guy, he almost killed me.
He didn't even realize what he was doing. I was stupid to actually forgive him.
He apologized, “I'm sorry, okay...I just really love you and you're mine. I don't want anyone to take you away from me. Okay? I'm sorry Ginger.” I kissed him and I forgave him,
“It's okay baby...I still love you, Carl.” Wow….I was really dumb. Carl just kept hurting me, after the second time he wasn't kidding anymore. He actually hurt me and he felt no remorse.
I stayed because I was afraid to leave. I should have left a long time ago.
I hear the screen door open. I hear dozens of footsteps.
“Ginger?” I turn around to see, Sodapop, Two bit, Steve, Darry, Ponyboy and Carl, all staring at me.
I feel so stupid.
Carl's eyes harden, but slowly they lighten with fake softness.
He rushes down the steps, with 'concern' in his voice,
“Ginger? Honey, what are you doing on the ground?!” I don't say anything, I don't even play along.
Carl holds out his hand and pulls me up.
“Um, well we might as well go now. Bye y'all.” I look at Ponyboy and he's as white as a ghost.
“Bye Ginger…” I wave, silently.
I see that burning cigarette on the ground. I step on it and twist it into the ground.
