Forever Changed (Completed first draft for NaNoWriMo 2017)

Day twenty one - Chapter fourteen

Mrs. McMahon takes her into town for her scans, Jack uses this time for 'resting' by the Aga. When I hear the car coming I nudge him awake and we pretend to be having a cup of tea. We're preparing for the lambing and sometimes I wonder if I'll get to see my child born. Maggie has suggested that due to previous 'issues' she may have to be in hospital for a while beforehand. I try not to be concerned. I have the lambing to survive.

It's five am. and I've already seen four lambs come into the world. The first time I felt excited. Then I saw this impossibly tiny hole stretch, stretch and then stretch some more and I felt painfully nauseous. Jack laughed a lot, he said my face was like a rainbow there were so many colours. It must have been on a pallet base of green. Each time I thought of Maggie and how embarrassing it must be to be spread across a table with a whole range of people peering between your legs.

The sheep looks as if it's asleep but, it's dead. Jack saved the lamb but, as I waited by its side hoping it would just suddenly lumber to its feet, I feel stupid. It couldn't have survived the injuries Jack inflicted with his knife but he saved the lamb and I wonder 'what if?'

"She's past the worse bit, they'll both be fine." He replies to my pained expression.

She hates being so fat, yet I love it. She places my hand on her abdomen during our meals and even her mother smiles as the little life wriggles to get out. The thought lingers that I had made her mother smile and I felt grateful for that. Time passes and soon I can't remember any other life. I don't switch on my phone, I don't write any more lyrics, I don't remember the past; I have a future.

At this time of year, our favourite view shows the hillside as patches of colours from the leaves. I haven't left the farm since my arrival and I don't miss the world outside. I occasionally wonder about walking amongst those trees with my son. We could look back at the farm that is our home.

Jack joins me. He hands me a crumpled newspaper article. The class action has failed and the judges have refused to reassess my case. Alicia is holding a banner; she looks taller and really is called Alicia. She has sworn never to give up; refusing to believe I am happy having a child with my jailor's daughter. The thing that strikes me is her age. She has just had a birthday and she is now fifteen. I feel a wave of gratitude that I had been in the middle of my Maggie obsession when she briefly entered my life. I really don't need any more guilt to carry.

Maggie slowly waddles from the house and climbs into the car. Her mother follows with a bag. Understanding what this means, I stand in concern.

"You'll never get down to the car in time lad, and she'll never let you leave the farm."

I slump down again and watch the car drive away. How insidiously the end has begun.

Logic says there was no need to worry; she was in a hospital surrounded by medical staff. But I do worry. I work long and hard trying to make myself tired. I work late into the night but I still find it hard to settle. I imagine the worst and think about the poor dead sheep hacked by Jack's knife. I pace and I stare wide-eyed at the ceiling through the darkness.

She looks tired but in her arms, she holds our son. He wasn't as tiny as I imagined and I watch her gingerly sit down. Then there was nothing but his tiny fingers and tiny toes and soft skin and gentle breathing. I gaze in adoration.

Maggie was the perfect mother, dedicated, all knowing and smug. She has a baby and she is in control. Watching her feed him is my favourite time. During the night she will bring him to her bed and I will stay to ensure when she fell asleep, he was safe. There they were, a perfect union of two and with me looking on again as the outsider.