Flowers and Broken Hearts

Winter

Song Jinhee, 25, Present day

The bench she sat on felt much, much colder than it was before. Her hand laid unmoving beside her on the frozen wood. Air swirled as her mister breath puffed, and her lips are a shade of blue frost. But she doesn't get up. Not now. Not yet.

Jimin's hand was inches away from her. Why didn't I take it? She asked herself. Over and over and over again. Why?

If Jinhee held his hand, would he stay? Would he be there to hug her back, say, "I love you", and never leave? Or would he remove his hand from hers and stand, kissing her one last time as if to say "I'm so sorry", then leave her by herself, just like he did minutes ago?

They had been sitting on the bench she'd waited on for hours. No one was talking. They sat together, close but not touching, silent as if if they talked, their worlds will shatter. Jinhee was staring at the grey pigeon pecking the ground beside her shoes when she heard Jimin take a deep breath. A signal, a sign.

Then he started talking.

Her ears were ringing, like something was trying to stop her from hearing, but she heard it all anyway; how he wanted to let her go because he doesn't want to keep using her. That he was doing this because he loves her; because she deserves someone better than him, because she deserves better than being used by him.

He was saying something else, but this time Jinhee couldn't hear anymore; her ears were numb as her body, her heart was breaking.

And when he kissed her, it was deep and longing, sweet, bitter, and heartbreaking all at once. He kissed her like it was the end, like it was the last time, like it was his last chance.

It was him letting her go.

And now she wondered, had she encourage him to do it? Was it because she asked him about breaking up weeks ago? Was it because she gets up at night and leaves his side, just to get away, just to cry, cause it was all so hard?

She wasn't crying now; she stopped crying about anything ever since her parents died. But then Jimin came, and all she did was stay strong when facing him, smile, stay sweet and kind. When she was beside him she'd always glow, afraid that when he sees her crying when he gets nightmares, sees her hiding the dark circles under her eyes because of his nights, sees her pretending to be okay even though she's not, he'll break, as he did before, succumb to his fear and strength, succumb to his suicidal acts.

She sat there, still and frozen due to the temperature, but it was not as senseless as her feelings. Her blue fingers and lips would never reach the numbness she was feeling, not even her freezing body or her misted breath.

And then when she was sure Jimin wasn't there, when she was sure that he's gone, that he's far, far away, she broke.

She cried.