The Scent of Books

II - Definitions, Blue & Up the Staircase

anx·i·ety \aŋ-ˈzī-ə-tē\
Noun
: fear or nervousness about what might happen
: a feeling of wanting to do something very much
: an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it.

It's amazing how something as complex as anxiety had been narrowed down to three definitions. Well, my therapist never thought it was complex. The thud of the hardbound dictionary as she pulled it out and placed it on her acacia desk made me flinch and the sound of her scribbling down meanings on a sheet of paper before handing it to me was just nervewrecking.

This morning, I apparently had an anxiety attack.

I'd put heavy emphasis on apparently, due to the fact that I'm not even sure if that's actually what happened or if Dr. Charlotte had finally given up on finding out what was wrong with me and just diagnosed (I'm sure there's a better word for that.) me with an anxiety disorder of some kind.

"So, what exactly happened?" Dr. Charlotte had inquired, legs crossed and eyes studying me through rimmed glasses.

My fingers traced across the emboss of Leigh Bardugo's Language of Thorns. It was one of the methods the doctor had suggested after watching me constantly jitter about without a book in my lap, it worked for the most part.

Now I could go into how much I love Leigh Bardugo, but seeing as she'll probably be mentioned a lot throughout my inner monologues, I'll save time.

"I was walking to school since I didn't want to bother mom by asking her to drive." Like yesterday, I wasn't focused on the person I was speaking to. The words tumbled out of my mouth unnaturally, if the doctor noticed this then she made no move to point it out. "I was thinking of all the things I wanted to get done today in between classes."

"Examples would be?"

"What to eat for lunch, if I should ask my best friend to come over after school, maybe even talk to my homeroom teacher about the halloween event coming up..."

What is conciousness? Why do we live and die? How are we sure that our senses could be trusted?

"... and other things." It would just be a headache to think about what I actually pondered on the way to school. "I had plans to visit the library today, for an essay."

Dr. Charlotte hummed, pen striking against her notes. I watched her mouth move, but my attention was on her entire set up instead.

The wallpaper was a flawless oceanic blue, surely chosen since she had read up on colors were meant to calm the mind and whatnot.

Somewhere along the line, she probably grew attached to the color, shades of blue are beautiful after all. Her pens were all in a dark blue tint, their container an aquatic hue. The couch I was on was a powder blue, the material was soft and nice to the touch. Her nails, which from time to time rhythmically tapped on her desk, were a clean cadet blue. To my right there was an inspirational quote, which I once thought was written in a purple cursive, but now realized that it was periwinkle. A shade of blue.

"What seems to be the problem, Charlotte?" The voice in my head spoke in a teasing tone. If there was a set stereotype for a medical professional's voice, it would probably sound something like that. "Well you see, it seems I have an unhealthy obsession with everything remotely blue. It's driving me insane Dr. Thana."