me.

Insanely Free

My room now smells like heaven, or at least how I want heaven to smell like. It's a combination of perfume, peppermint tea, coffee and my shampoo. It's the kind of smell that gives you inspirations and dreams, too. I am struggling to find myself an a bit odd and designated type of sentence to express my thoughts as I realized I have used the "It's..." thingy three times here by now, and now it's officially the fifth time. Over, and over again. Just like how everything goes, like life is a circle, troubles leave and come back all the time. It's like I'm lost. And so, I need some crazy stuff to spice up my life.
I am me, I am myself, yet I don't know what to do. Damn it people are so different. Each person senses another aspect of my ability and every time, they tell me. How stupid they are, when they think they are giving me a correct direction to keep moving forward, when all what they do is confusing me. I'm so confused. I am still confused. And I'm afraid that I would still be confused.
It's cold now and according to my needs, I will be sleeping most of the time. I used to enjoy it, but not anymore. I want to stay awake. I want to be awake. I desperately need my mind to finally wake up and tell me what to do.
So when I went home I had some hot chocolate, not very reasonable but it was cold outside and I needed to feel warmer, and so I had it. It tasted amazing. I wanted to skip my nap so I had some peppermint tea and it gave me an undoubtedly sexy and fresh scent of mint, which I really love. But it was not enough to keep me awake, sadly. After sleeping for three hours on a roll, I woke up hating myself and my room is freezing cold due to the cold weather, the cold that I had, and the cold smell of mint tea. So again I thought I needed a drink, and this time it's a coffee. A hot milk-added coffee. A perfect touch to the scent of my bedroom.
I had three options of drinks, and I chose all of them. That describes exactly how clueless I am right now. I like everything. I can go with anything. I am insanely free to choose whatever that I want and I have tons of choices, and such a greedy person I am to want all of them, not because I actually want all of them, but because I don't know which is the one for me.
This is probably the worst stage of life, when you don't even know whether you like hot chocolate, tea, or coffee best.
Bad.
The scary thing is, maybe, when I finally know what I wanted and needed, it's all gone, no more chocolate, no more tea, no more coffee. I had all of them when I needn't to, and all there's left is tears, sipping hot tears from my own eyes and feel the saltiness of them.
Sad.