Futatsu no Sekai (Two Worlds)

Chapter 1: Counterfeit

I sat down, I waved to some. I continued as the shy, timid person I was and focused on my studies. I tried to make it as convincing as possible because I knew that's what they wanted to see. 

A smile. Positivity. Enthusiasm. Effort.

That's all they wanted out of me, and so I delivered. Smiling, small friendly gestures, anything to get them to think everything was okay. 

At lunch, I sat with a group of "friends." Their conversations and discussions never concerned me. I never knew what to think of it, but even if I was surrounded by hundreds of people in this school, I was still alone. It wasn't anyone's fault, but mine. I was fine with being alone, but it meant that I had no one to talk to. 

Now and then I craved the attention of a friend. I had never known affection or given it to anyone. I was good at faking it though. 

I sat quietly, smiled, and listened, and ate of course. I listened, pretended to give a shit, and the cycle continued. Honestly, I don't give a shit about anything. I just wanted everything to be over. My life, even. 

"Yesterday, I finally got my driver's license!" they would say, or some other bullshit.

"That's amazing! Drive us around sometime, will ya?" I would reply. I never got how they didn't see through me. 

Sometimes, they would invite me to sleepovers, or just to hang out, but I would refuse. Anything that revealed my true nature, get outta here. I was awkward, I never had any real friends, and didn't want to get into unnecessary shit. So I never went out. Ever. 

I walked down to the lockers before zero period, drowsily. I put everything I didn't need, away into the metal compartment. I went to the cafeteria to grab breakfast and sat down. As I was eating, some of my "friends" sat near me. I didn't mind at first, but I realized I didn't have my smile on. Or display any sign of life whatsoever. 

"What's up, Lien? You don't seem very lively today." he asked. 

"Just really tired, that's all," I said, and giggled. 

"What happened? Late night practice?" another asked.

"Yea," I laughed, "company's goin' crazy for this performance."

"Is it soon? I really want to watch!" she said.

"Tickets are sold out, sorry man..." 

"That's ok! As long as I know you're there, you guys'll do amazing!" 

I sighed quietly. 

I didn't want to fake this life anymore, all I could think about was being done. With everything. I didn't want to smile like this, I don't want to hide it. I just want this to be over. But I still knew I had a long way ahead of me. What now? Still, I sat in front of my "friends" and ate quietly.

"There's nothing I can do about this," I thought. 

I survived the day and headed out, days seeming quicker than usual. I wanted to grab boba but I knew some of my "friends" would probably be there. But I wanted change, I actually desired something that could be beneficial. But maybe it was just for the milk tea. What a selfish person I am. 

Through the burnt red leaves, I strolled my way to the tea house. I did something for myself for once, but I felt selfish. The overpowering feeling of selfishness enveloped me. Through the stressful trip, the cold air brushed against my skin, and clouds slowly floated to cover the blue sky. The sky grew dull and depressing. My feeling of worthlessness only increased, but otherwise, I was fine. That was normal. But I had never felt selfish.