Sonnet 43

Line Two

‘I love thee to the depth and breadth and height’

                                                                  ***

Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I feel refreshed and invigorated – like I could just conquer the world with my prowess and strength. Other times, I feel grumpy – like everything sucks and nothing could ever solve my headache, not even a whole tub of Ben and Jerry’s. But the scariest feeling I have whenever I wake up is feeling as if something is going to go horribly wrong – that if I just miss a step, I could fall and break my arm or something even worse. It’s a rare feeling, but that’s what I felt as soon as I woke up.

It’s been a week since my late night text convo with Adam, and I haven’t heard from him since. Yes, I see him sitting at the far back of the room during History, but all he does is flash a smile at me and then look away. I’m okay with that, really. I’m used to that, so it’s no big deal. It’s not as if our treatment with each other at school is gonna change with just a bunch of text messages exchanged during the dead of night, right? So, yes, I’m cool.

However, that’s not why I’m feeling like my heart is gonna jump out of my chest everytime I feel my phone buzz.

To be honest, I still don’t know. But I know I’m about to, sooner or later.

                                                                  ***

It was lunchtime at Wilhelm, and people are trickling out of the rooms and into the crowded hallways, muttering to their friends about their last subject, where to eat and whatnot. I found Angelique walking with her other classmates in Finance, frazzled and a bit dazed – probably from the test that Professor Yu gave them. I waved at her.

“How was the exam?” I asked tentatively, already knowing the answer. She just shrugged as if she read my thoughts.

“Well, a little comfort food won’t hurt then!” I said, tugging her along. She probably doesn’t know, but I also needed some comfort food for myself. My heartbeat is getting real loud by this time because fuck it, I don’t even know why. It’s the horrible feeling again, and it’s gnawing at my insides. Fortunately for me, Angelique didn’t really question my sudden excitement.

Buzz. I immediately reached for my phone before it even finished vibrating and saw that it’s just the damn telecommunication company sending some reminders about my credit. I almost threw my phone in frustration but Angelique already managed to pull me inside a pizzeria just outside the school.

We ordered a box of their bestseller, two cokes and a tub of their rocky road ice cream. While waiting for our food, Ange talked about what happened during their class and how hard the exam was, but I was barely listening. I know it’s such a shitty thing for a friend to do, but I also have to calm my heart rate because it’s already threatening to break open my ribcage and escape my insides. The thought makes me shudder.

Buzz, my phone went. I jumped a little and Angelique stopped talking and looked at me, concern etched on her face.

“Are you okay?” I just nodded at her and opened my phone, scared to see who might be texting. She continued watching me carefully, though.

“Then why are you so jumpy?” but I didn’t answer. I just stared the phone screen, hoping that the message might dissolve into nothing. Angelique reached for my phone and read it.

Message Body: Hello, dear. Meet me at the mall after your class. We’re going to have a girl’s day out.

“Oh, shit Gen. Your mom…” she handed the phone to me and stared off into space. I just looked at her and took a deep breath.