Deep Blue

Chapter Four

I watched as my little sister held herself closely while she slept on Effrin's bed. I cried for all the bullshit in my life, I cried for my bitch of a mother and I especially cried for Jasmine. After we got back I cleaned her up and made sure I took care of all her needs. A part of me couldn't help but feeling guilty. I felt like I let her down and also my passed father. I always felt like I was suppose to protect Jasmine with any means necessary and I let him down. I let him down. I'm sorry but the guilt was eating me alive.

Next to Jasmine was the girl Effrin found at the house. I wanted to talk to her but she felt so weak. She bathe and I gave her some of my clothes to put on even though she couldn't fit them. She was so skinny. When Effrin brought us food she ate almost half of it. She look like she haven't ate in days. It feels like everyone around me is getting hurt. This is some bullshit. Something, just something got to give.

I glanced at the clock and it was passed 5:30pm. Effrin already left 4 hours before his shift at the Poetry Slam Club. I don't know why but I just let him do him. I was really tired of the back and forth with feelings and shit with him. I was just fustrated that I can't have my way with him. Maybe he don't want me like I wanted him. Or maybe I'm just sexually and emotionally fustrated. I never really had a man touch in a positive way and Effrin was always here.

I was hoping to attend to the Club tonight just for Deep Blue. I haven't forgot about him. He was on my mind ever since this morning. There's something about not just his mysterious self but the way he conduct himself, the way I felt like we connect when he performed lastnight. I don't know. I pray that I find out more about him but I don't know about tonight. With what recently happen I wanted to stay with Jasmine. I don't know.

I sighed and grabbed my poem journal. At time like these I felt like writing is the best way to ease my pain. I felt a burden lifted off me when I jot down my inner thoughts. I took out my lucky pen my Grandfather gave to me before he passed recently. I smiled. Grandpops always loved to write poetry. The way his eyes lit up when the subject was brought up always light up the astomsphere. My biological father also lived through poetry before he died when I was a toddler. I always felt like I was holding their legacy. That I was making them proud of me. Making my life useful for something. Just thinking about them as I write was my motivation. Their smiles in my heart made me felt comfort like their with me. Its the only way I could connect to them.

My heart poured as my pen flowed of the paper. :

The emptiness now becomes my closest friend,
To live each day as it passes just as lonely as the last,
The inside is crying hidden suddenly by the smile,
To feel like...

Where can I go?
how can I begin.
At 18 I'm still depressed
I tried taking my life at ten
I began hurting so long ago
I thought id be numb by now
but it gets worse. it feels
like can't go on.
I must... I can't give up.

Can't you see
The pain in my eyes?
But this is me
And my life.
If you hold me close
You can hear my heart
It cries more than most
From being torn apart.
After every breath I take
I feel like its a waste

Outside lives a girl with a smile that will brighten up the room,
yet inside hides a girl with a frown full of despair.
Outside lives a girl with eyes of joy that brings you to ease,
yet
I am gone.
I'm so far gone you wouldn't even know
So far gone I won't even show.
I'm so far gone and there's no way out
so far gone I just want to shout.
I'm so far gone you could barely hear my words.
Until it affects someone we love,
We don't even know it's there.
It's really not our problem,
So why should we not care.