Rose Petals

Regrets

So I took a few bottles
Out of the cabinet
And ended up
In a hospital bed

It was Monday
I woke up
The next second I blinked
And it was Tuesday

A gap in time it seemed
I couldn't remember a thing.
I knew I'd swallowed some pills
To do it was a petty thing

My parents didn't know what was going on
They didn't know I felt so wrong
I thought it was right to do
But I'm not alway right, are you?

October 16. I don't remember much. I remember waking up at 6:30 because it was a school day. Monday. I don't remember what I was thinking or why I did it. I was a bit foggy. Like I was me but I didn't feel like me.

Then, I woke up Tuesday at around 11 in the ICU. I can't remember anything before that. My parents filled me in on what had happened:

I had gotten ready for school and got on the bus. I kept saying my back hurt and I kept dropping my phone. Then I fell over and nearly passed out.

I then was seizing because I was overdosing. My back was arching and my eyes rolled back. I threw up and apparently threw up some of the pills, which is the only reason I'm alive.

The SAM officer or disciplinary officer came on the bus and carried me off. He's a good buddy of mine. Always watches out for me.

My mom drove me to the hospital and I stayed until Tuesday afternoon. I was driven in an ambulance from the hospital to a troubled children's unit in te Robert Young center in Moline.

I spent until Friday there. I never told anyone at school. They just thought I was dehydrated, which wasn't a lie just wasn't the whole truth. I didn't want this hanging over me for the rest of my life and I didn't want anyone to think of me differently.

My parents got me on meds. I'm seeing psychiatrists and therapists and I'm getting better. I found out that i have anxiety and depression. I didn't know before. I just knew that I felt "low" I guess. I didn't really feeling like doing or saying or being anything. I felt weird and I didn't know what it was.

I just knew it wasn't good and I wanted to make it go away. I tried things I saw other people doing. I tried fasting. Didn't work. I still wasn't satisfied with life. I tried purging. I tried cutting. Nothing made it go away.

Neither did trying to commit suicide. When I woke up, I felt so bad. I was scared shitless. I almost died and that fact scared me. I wish I would've need done that. I should've just reached out.

I wasn't good at communicating and felt like I couldn't reach out. I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone. I felt... alone. But I quickly realized I'm not alone. I had so many people that are about me and wanted to help me.

Dying is not something I really wanted. And now that I think about it, the fact that if I couldn't have been reached in time, the fact that I almost died, the fact that I could have died and nobody could've changed it and I couldn't have come back... scares me shitless. I can't even express how scared I was. I still am.

I am so glad I'm alive. And I just wanted to post this in case it could help anyone out there. You may be struggling, but nothing is ever that bad.

First of, I am not god and neither are you. Even if you don't believe in him either, you don't get to choose who lives or died. And second, there at people who wanted to live but didn't have a choice. You don't have one either.

Even if you think your life sucks ass and could be worse, live for the people who had amazing lives but didn't have a choice. Live for the people who could've had an amazing life.