Abused in Silence

One week later

After a week of no contact & me being so happy with how my life was going he messaged me on different Twitter accounts wanting to get his stuff back & asking how I was. I was annoyed with the whole situation because I was finally happy in the first time in over a year. He kept saying he didn't know when he'd be free to come get his stuff & he kept asking me if I'd drive the 50 minutes to deliver it to him. I refused to do that & he would get mad & call me selfish because he was more busy than me. When he finally came to get the rest of his stuff we ended up hooking up & he stayed the night with me. The next morning we went & got breakfast & then he left & went home. We continued texting but I was also texting other guys so I didn't consider texting him to be anything serious. One night though I ended up hanging out with a guy I've known & he sexually assaulted me. I felt like I had no one else to go to but him so I called him. When he answered I was balling my eyes out asking if I could use his shower & to stay the night. He let me & then the next morning he bought me breakfast. After this we started hanging out again for a couple weeks but he didn't tell any of his friends that we were. One night we got extremely drunk for his birthday & we started fighting. He started pushing me, broke my glasses, choked me & then slammed me into a wall & punched me three times. I fell to the ground gasping for air. While I was on the ground he went to grab his pocket knife & cut open his chest & tried convincing me I did it. Our mutual friend that is his roommate came home after this & tried calming us both down. I some how ended up outside & they followed after me. He wanted to continue hurting me so he would spit on me & tell me about all the times he cheated on me & called me names. Our mutual friend was standing in between us & he would try reaching around him to hit me. I told him if he didn't stop I was going to mace him & he didn't. I sprayed my mace & it ended up staying in the air & affecting all of us.
After the mace wore off, we were all calmed down & trying to clean up the apartment. He randomly got a boner because of how turned on he was from pushing me around & said to me it's hot that I can take a punch. Before we went to bed that night I remember him saying that he'd buy me flowers the next morning, only to wake up to him complaining about how much money I owe him from him buying my dinner & some other stuff while we had been hanging out. I ignored him & got up to go shower. When I was looking in the mirror in the bathroom I realized I had bruises up & down my arms, on both my shoulders & around my neck. I took pictures of my bruises & hid them in a vault. At this point I was hoping he'd just kill me because of how emotionally unstable I was. I hated myself & I truly believed I deserved the abuse.