The beginning of the end | A Bensler FanFic

I can't believe he is dead...

  Heyyy everybody!! I am new writing fanfic so I will appreciate every suggestion or comment you can make to help. Thank you for checking out my fanfic and I hope you enjoy it :)

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I was looking at the mirror, wondering how those past four days had turned my life upside down. I tried to focus on my hair, who I'd put in an attempted bun whose sole point was to hide the neglect I had had towards it, or my face, red and swelled by the tears, but all I could see was the black dress. Why? I could not believe it. He could not be gone. I think I will remember forever how it all began. We had just cracked a case...

It was your typical Wednesday, well if you are a lieutenant at the NYPD special victims unit, I mean. We had just arrested a serial child abuser who had been terrifying all New York for the past two months. I was just glad it was over. Amanda and Dominick were just leaving and Fin was going through some paper work when my phone went off. My head was starting to show signs of a headache so, just the tough of another case was threatening to make me sick. It wasn't, but do I wish it had been... When I heard the news, my world started to spin. I believe I could mumble the words "when...how...thanks...". When I turned the phone off, my world had fallen apart. I was used to dealing with death but this, this was much more than a death, this was me realizing that the man who had taught me everything I knew was gone... I could not believe he was gone. I must have fallen because Fin rushed at me. I vaguely remember him asking what was going on. I couldn't say it. I couldn't say it out loud, it would make it way to real. Now, looking back at it, I figure I told him somehow but I can't recall listening the words leave my mouth. Then, I considered taking some days off but I know he wouldn't want me to. He would want me to keep making NY safe and so I did.

Saturday came, faster and slower than I wanted it. Noah was with the babysitter. I would have never taken him with me. Barba had called more times than I could count, as did Amanda but I couldn't find my way to calling back. I knew what I would listen to, and I would rather not. I dragged myself into a cab, wondering why was it so difficult, but getting inside that church, it took more out of me than I had ever expected. I saw Fin, Brian, Nick... Melinda came and talked to me. I would have been thrilled to see them again but I couldn't even force a smile to my face. Tucker showed up and tried to talk to me but I walked away. There was not the place nor the moment for that. Munch stayed by my side for a while, just being silent. We both knew what the other one felt.
Somewhere I heard someone announce that the service would begin soon and then, it all came to me. I needed to see him, I needed to look at his face one last time, so I went to see the body. He looked so peaceful... Tears rolled down my face but I didn't seem to care. That was when I realized I had to leave, just for a little bit. I heard steps behind me and whispered "Please don't". As I looked over my shoulder, I saw Fin telling Brian to let go. I was so thankful at him for taking Brian away... Suddenly I felt a hand on my back, and, even before I could turn around, I knew who was there. The feeling in my stomach would never change, no matter how many years would go by. I guess that the butterflies just wouldn't ever die. I turned around, and, before I could notice, I was being hugged. I wanted to pull away but, before I could do that, the tears in my face lost control and I could hear myself say: "I can't believe Cragen is dead..."  

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I know it is a very short chapter but I don't think I will make them very big. Thanks for reading and see you guys in the next post!!