The beginning of the end | A Bensler FanFic

Unspoken feelings

Olivia's POV

I was leaving El's car when he grabbed my arm. I turned around and then, he asked me something I would have never thought he would. "Olivia, please don't walk out like nothing happened. Please don't just leave. I have to apologize, I have to make it up to you. I miss you. I can't let you walk out of my life, not again. 7 years is way too much. And it might have taken time and tears, and I am sorry for it, but I want to make it right. Please don't leave." I was shocked so I told him we could talk later, I guess that I nodded my head and left, confused and tired. Tired from crying and from the memories who wouldn't let my mind rest easy and tired from the fact that Elliot was able to be part of every single one of them.

So, I paid the babysitter and just stayed there, looking at Noah. He was asleep and that was one of the only moments in the day I felt relax. He was the only stable thing in my life and I loved him so much more than anything else. And that gave me the ease of mind I needed. Because to be honesty, I had been way to stressed out at work, my personal life had just taken a turn an I didn't know what to do.

There was something missing. I knew it, but I would never accept it. I wanted to sleep but I knew I wouldn't be able to, so I pulled a box from under my bed and opened it, being well aware of what I was going to find. It was dark but my fingers recognized what they were looking for and pulled it out. The numbers 6313 shined in the darkness and I took all that energy in. Then, I turned on the nightstand light and read "Semper Fi" as a tear rolled down my face. I couldn't forgive him. Not yet.

Days came and went by, but I never felt as good as I had those moments when I stared at the horizon with Elliot. We weren't talking, as in I hadn't called him back, and work was killing me. There was a case of a serial rapist, who had just escalated and murdered a 19-year-old, open and terrorizing NY. Long nights were the understatment of the year and I hadn't seen Noah in 2 days, having to deal instead with a frustated team of detectives who hadn't slept in a while. Clues were almost zero and so were our hopes until Fin found the connection between all the victims, a medical clinic near Central Park. 35 hours later our suspect, a surgeon pissed with a traumatic surgeon and God complex, had confessed. Even Barba was relieved when he realised he didn't have to bear one more night awake with only coffee to keep him awake, instead of sleep. So, I sent everybody home and was about to do the same when Fin told me I had a call.

It was Elliot, saying he had seen the news about the perp and inviting me for a cup of coffee. Noah was still at school, it was only 10 am, so I said yes. Didn't knew nor do know now the reason for such answer but I went. And I smiled when I realized he still remembered how I liked my coffee. And I was happy when I sat with him and we talked. But I knew we had a tough conversation coming. I wanted to start it easy, I really didn't want to attack him but sitting there with him looking at me and with the tension building was too much. I was pissed at him. I was sad. I was a lot of things and all those feeling were incredibly hard to control. And so I said to him, asking why he disappeared and broke my heart. He seemed shocked but ready to answer somehow. I was expecting apologies and excuses but he just told me he couldn't. He couldn't make it. I told him how I had gotten his back the whole time, that I had defended him until the last second, that no matter what I still trusted him and that even in the worst times of my life I could only think he would be there to me. He was inquisitive, wondering what was I talking about but I wasn't ready, not until I had cleared everything up. But, even after my "speech" he seemed lost, saying "The Olivia I knew wouldn't let herself break down only because of me. I couldn't talk to you back in the day because I knew I wouldn't have the strength to leave afterword's. I wanted you so much. And I needed to leave. And then, after the whole Lewis thing, I thought you wouldn't want me in your life. I felt like it had changed to much for me to fit in it. But I always thought that you would be ok, I didn't know I meant so much to you. Even though, I will forever be faithful to you, I have been since I met you.". I was livid, asking myself why he was acting like that, and then the truth came out of me, storming out of my chest right to my mouth and allowing years of unspoken feelings to have a voice: "Elliot, the Olivia you knew died in the tears I cried in that interrogation room the day Cragen told me you had left. I cared so much about you, I loved you so much and I was such a bitch to the new detectives because I couldn't bear with the thought that I had lost you... I have missed you for the last 7 years and mourned you as if you were dead. I had finally accepted that you would never come back.". And we yelled, and we went through everything. I might have not been ready to tell him about Lewis in detail but, in the moment I walked out of that coffee shop, I knew that I couldn't leave him for good. I couldn't go another 7 years without him, without his eyes, his presence, the butterflies. And routines started to show up.

He would be at the precinct to bring me coffee every morning and would even bring dinner at times. But, for the first time, having him around just wasn't enough. I felt as if I needed more of him. We weren't the usual friends, our friendship, interrupted 7 years before, was a partner's friendship. We were best friends, but a different kind of the usual ones. I would trust him with my life and we would always get each other's back. We would talk about perps and life but rarely talk about deeper things. But now, now it was different. Being together was natural but weird. Sometimes we wouldn't know what was allowed to talk about, our old barriers had vanished with time and confusion lived within our friendship. But we were ok because we were together and that was more than enough for then. In a small amount of days, he seemed to know everything about me that there was to know. He seemed to be able to read right through me like bedorr. We had an understanding, we felt each other in an unusual way, a wag anyone else in my life couldn't understand, but we hadn't talked about the past, about the years in between. I hadn't told him about the hell I had been through with Lewis and he hadn't talked about his divorce. We knew the basics, jobs, kids and all, but neither one of us was ready to open a door that had never been open. It had been peeked over, but never been wide open. The door of getting to a deep level with each other, the whole touching thing. We knew, the whole time we were partners, that there was this unwritten rule about touching, it was out boundaries, because, in reality, if we did, we wouldn't be able to control all the tension that had took years to form, theory that was proved to be real some time later.

After some time, everything seemed to be back like it used to be, back in the day. I would do my job, he'd do his, we would hang out afterword's, sometimes with Fin, Munch. I would have girl nights with Alex and Casey, Melinda would join us as well. The old squad would hang out sometimes and we would have fun. My life seemed normal. Then I got a cold and excruciating head ache so went home early that day. My head was in so much pain and I had a feeling that my fever was over 39ºC (102.2ºF) so I got to my bed and just fell asleep, the sitter was still in the house but I didn't care, I had to close my eyes. I woke up some hours later to the smell of Chinese food and an almost gone headache. Elliot was feeding Noah and they were talking. I changed to a NYPD sweater and some leggings and got myself wrapped around a blanket before I sat with them. We talked and laughed. El went to put Noah to bed and I sat on the couch, I was so tired. Then Elliot sat down next tome and chit chat turned to real chat. I told him about Tucker and Cassidy. He laughed at me, reminding me of how I had screwed Cassidy back in 99 and how Tucker seemed to hate us back in the day, recalling all the IAB interventions that had tried to put our friendship and partnership to the test. He told me he had gotten his divorce filled the day he saw on tv that I had been held hostage by Lewis, but didn't seem to want the subject to keep going, and that he had dated Dani Beck for some time, on and off. That was when I told him about the hell I had been through, I opened up in a way I had only done with my therapist and I told him everything I had suffered, every pain my heart had felt, every tear I had cried, every fear I had had. Because with him it was easy, words seemed to easily flow, I trusted him. So I described to him everything that happened  during those days that felt likemonths. I let myself relive everything and, maybe due to the fact he was there, it didn't hurt as much as it used to. And he let his hand go to my shoulder, and I cried, and he apologized. And my world started to get put together, a piece at the time. So, I told him about Dodds death and we ended up talking about everything and anything. After a while, I started coughing a lot and he turned at me and said: "I still remember what I said, if you need a kidney, I'll give you one". I laughed and punched him in the arm, saying that I was just with a cold and that, as of my awareness, coughing wasn't a kidney issue, laughing in between words. Then 1 am turned to 5 am and we fell asleep.

When I woke up, I was laying on his chest and he had his hand on my face. We were so close that I could feel his breath on my lips. So, I stayed there, looking at him until we both woke up. We stared at each other, got up, woke up Noah and kept our lives going the same way they were, pretending that the eye contact we had made, the feelings that had come out and the tension we had felt weren't a thing. But all the feelings we refused to admit existed and that hadn't been felt for the past years, they came back and floated around us, making everything heavier and causing the tension between us to be touchable everywhere, just like 19 years before, like 7 years before. No one said anything and we pretended it wasn't there. Still, I thought I would never forgive him nor let him have the kind of control he had over me before again. I had a family, my best friend back and I wouldn't let life take me down again. Or so I thought....