The beginning of the end | A Bensler FanFic

Thank you, Captain!

We walked outside so I could breathe a little better. It was so cold but the fresh air in my wet face felt good. I heard him say: "I couldn't believe it, I still can't...". That was when I looked at him, for the first time in about 7 years. His perfect posture, his serious face. Every part of his body would trigger a memory in me. But his eyes, God damn it, his eyes were my weakness. That deep blue ocean that I used to know as well as you can know something. From a glimpse I used to be able to say how was he feeling, if he was mad, sad, tired. I knew that, back in the day, I had knew more bout him from his eyes than his wife from being with him. Even after all that, I had tried to forget everything about his existence the day he left. He erased himself from my life like I was nobody to him and like we hadn't known each other for such a long time. So, I tried to act like that was the truth. But being there, in the silent, which was never uncomfortable with him, staring at the horizon, was to real to forget. The air between us was hard to breath, like if there were way too many things unsaid floating by. He grabbed my hand and my body immediately relaxed, like if it was something already programmed in me. Then, the memories, the memories that I had tried so hard to forget and that were coming back at me every day since I had gotten the news, started to feel like a storm, coming at me with all the strength they had. Every moment of tension, every touch, every stare, every scare. Everything seemed to have been combined to create the feeling and the reality we were living at that exact moment. My head was laying against his shoulder, our hands were holding and we were there. Just existing.

Someone called us in, breaking the atmosphere, who was already paper thin, and making us come back from past land to real life. While walking I felt numb, the memories of Cragean's dead body were still way to much alive in my head, and all I wanted was to let go of the hand I was holding and walk inside like I hadn't even seen him. But I couldn't, I could not let go of my support, of the rock who was keeping me from falling apart. So, we walked in, just like that. I wondered what had happened to the fierce Olivia, the tough person who would never break down. I recalled every time I had had to be strong, every time I had had to keep myself from breaking. I wondered how had I managed to do that, but not keep myself together at that moment. Then, the difference on the air temperature brought me back to life as I realized that it had been the second time my mind had wandered by since I had gotten to that funeral. That moment was when I looked around me and saw the way some people, who knew us, looked at us, walking side by side without letting go of each other's hands, but I didn't care. We walked slowly, both trying to appreciate what we knew would be our last moments alone. Despite every fight we had ever had through the years, despite the fact he had disappeared from my world, I couldn't get myself to hate him... We got to the room and I knew it was my time to make a speech so I was able to mutter: "Wish me luck El" and get up there.

I looked at all those faces, and it made me realize how important it was what I was about to say... Casey and Alex were crying. People looked at me in expectation, as if I was going to bring Don back. Fin, in the middle of Munch and Jeffries, just stared at me. I knew he was giving me the strength I needed. But I couldn't take my eyes of Elliot's. Then I closed them, trying to control the tears that threatened to get out of my control, and started to speak.

"Death makes us think about life. It is ironic, even sad. But the worst part is when you think about it for too long, because the thought of life ending and we just disappearing hurts. Makes us realize that we will never see our loved ones again. I have dealt with death my whole life, most of you too, but some things hurt more than other's, and death is no exception. It just makes us think and overthink everything from back in the day while death was not a possibility. It makes us realize that no matter how young we were, how strongly we believed that everything was going to work out, death happens. Life does not go on forever. Donald Cragen was my mentor, my protector and now, he is dead. He taught me everything I know about leadership, strength and loyalty. He would always put himself and his job at risk before allowing someone to put ours at stake. But, most of all, he gave me a family. I was alone, young, sad and ambitious and he, he gave me a family, my squad. He gave me a career and people to be by my side. He gave me support when I needed it. He gave me my life. Those people that he brought into my life, I still love dearly to this day and that, that I owe only to him. I owe him all I am. He was more than a great man and I have lack of words to describe him, I think the English language itself doesn't have the word I am looking for. I couldn't be more thankful to this man. Thank you, Captain, I will forever be grateful." I said, finally breathing, without taking my eyes away from El's.

After the speach I made about Cragen I felt more relieved, as if I had actually had the chance to say goodbye. My heart was in peace with his death and, despite the fact that it still hurt to know that I would never see him again, I knew he had had a big impact on my life, and in the life of many others, and that his existence on this earth would be cherished for as long and we all walked this earth. I was at last in peace, comforted by the fact that he was as well. Then I sat in a chair, held Elliot's hand as my life relyed on it, and listened to the rest of the people paying their respects.