The beginning of the end | A Bensler FanFic

Complications

Some days later, I was at the precinct with a bunch of paperwork whenTucker showed up and asked me out for a cup of coffee. I was confused but I had been sitting at that desk for such a long time that I almost jumped of the table with the chance of leaving. Anything was better than being buried in paperwork for at least 3 more hours. We walked over and talked about life, he asked me about Noah, work and said he wanted to give me the condolences for Cragean's death himself. We seemed just like old friends. The conversation was being to good to be true was what I was thinking when he pulled up a subject I didn't want to talk with him about, Stabler.

He asked, trying to tease me, if me and Stabler were a thing again and if he was still violent and didn't follow rules. My first instinct was to defend Elliot, to get his back and show Ed that my partner was much more than that. But then I remembered, he wasn't my partner anymore and it hurt, like a flash pain in my chest, that I felt everytime I reminded myself of that fact.

Instead, I tried to tell him that we had never been anything more than partners but he didn't seem to believe me that much. He told me that "If you and I flighted like you and him (when you were partners) when we dated, we would still be together" and I just couldn't answer. I was still mad at him for the things he had said about Elliot, he had kept coming at me, doubting my relationship with El and asking questions. But, despite everything, he kissed me in the end when he dropped me off at the precinct. I kissed him back, not because of butterflies or love, but because I needed stability and to prove myself that Elliot and I were just friends. And I went back to work, trying to ignore the fact that my life had just gotten way more complicated.

Weeks went by and doing the job was getting harder for me, I would feel closer to the victims each day and the cases seemed to be more disgusting, horrific and complicated. If it weren't for Elliot, who would remind me how much I loved my job and how important it was for me, I would've gone crazy. Life at home wasn't easy either. When Tucker and Stabler ran into each other I could feel like a murder would happen. The air would get heavy in the spot and they would both looked annoyed as hell. Ed asked why did me and El get along so well, or why would everyone think we were a couple, he was always jealous of our bond, and Elliot would ask me what I saw in that "douchbag". Things weren't easy but at least when in presence of Noah they would behave, making him happy with the attention and Noah was all I cared about.

One day Stabler and I were driving from work to my house, something he would do a lot after his work if my day had ended already. It was silent, but the good kind of silence. He was about to pull over at my door when he asked me if I had ever felt something for him, back in the day. I was surprised but I know exactly what I said. "Yes, I felt something different towards you, you were my whole world, my whole family, my best friend. But you left". This last sentence came sad out of my mouth, like if there was more to it. It sounded incomplete. I got out of the car, trying to avoid excuses or apologies, but Elliot came as well. He was behind me, I could feel his breath in my shoulders and see it in the air of that cold winter night. I turned, slowly. All we could hear were our hearts, beating fast. He whispered in my ear, as if he didn't want to destroy the silence, that I was his best friend as well and that he had missed me every day. Our faces were so close that I could see the black of his blue eyes. We knew what one single move would trigger and we were testing the waters. Then, suddenly, Elliot Stabler was kissing me.

His lips rushed to mine, first slowly, then with more intensity. But, the second his lips touched mine, everything in the world felt right. All the stars aligned, everything was meant to be. The kiss started slowly, taking it's time and letting the tension of years be used, slowly. It was sweet and tender, the shy first kiss lovers have. Then, it got more intense, as if it was trying to use all that electricity we had had between us during all those years. It was getting desperate, both of us needing to have the other. We were at the point that he would pick me up and bring me home. He was pushing me against the wall, the kiss had gotten out of control. We knew what we were doing perfectly well. Everything was right. Every breath was taken at the right moment and every move seemed to be coordinated. It was like a dance and we knew our moves.

Suddenly, my phone rang. I pulled away, surprised and in shock. Looked over my phone and mumbled "It's Tucker". And the stars weren't aligned anymore, and the world went back to being full of perps and sadness. And reality drained us of all the energy. I felt empty. He looked at me, as if he was ready to take over were we had left it, but I knew what I had to do, and that was what I told him: "Elliot, I can't do this." He asked why, looking hurt. And I broke down: "You son of a bitch. Are you really asking why? After that shooting, you remember it right? it was the last time I saw you! I had your back the whole time. I stood up for you. I did everything I could. I called. And all I got back was nothing. You will never know how I felt the day Cragen told me, alone in that interview room, crying. My heart was breaking in a million pieces and I was feeling so alone. I never had anyone and studently I didn't have you either! All I could hold on to was the fact that I hoped you would call back. I loved you. And you disappeared. I am no longer who I used to be and you leaving was a huge part of it. I don't think I will ever forgive you. I have never felt more alone than in that day and I can't go through that again. You can't become a part of me again and then leave me. I can't let you have a chance to do so, I could not deal with it, I would be strong enough to go through it again." That said, I walked away.